anonymity was never an option

50: dean

"Here just park right here, we have to walk to get back there." Gabriel pointed to a gravel spot next to the woods.

"What the hell is he doing at a park 20 minutes away?" Dean questioned, putting the car in park.

"They used to go here as kids." Gabe said, hurrying out of the car, and slamming the door behind him.

Dean followed in suit, as Gabriel rushed to the edge of the trees.

"I hope I still remember how to get back there." He mumbled as they stepped forward onto a faint trail.

"Why is he in the forest?"

"He's at this bridge." Gabriel said pushing away some branches from their path. "Balthazar used to take him here ever since they met..."

Dean followed closely behind, watching his steps so he didn't trip on the branches Gabe threw down on the ground. The leaves crunched beneath their feet, reminding Dean of the woods behind his old house that him and Sam would play hide and seek in. If anything would've happened to Sam, Dean could've never lived with himself. He could only imagine what Cas was going through.

"Castiel used to run off without telling anyone. Being the older brother that I am, I would follow them here just to make sure they were safe. I thought he never knew, but I'm pretty sure he picked up on it by the time they were 10 because he started expecting me..."

Dean smiled a little. Cas was one of the smartest people he knew. He could picture the curious kind of kid he was.

"One day, it was about 8 years ago, I followed them to the park, and then saw one of my own friends and strayed off. Balthazar and Castiel ran off into the woods and I wasn't really worried since I knew they were going to the bridge. Me and my friend were playing soccer with some other boys we met at the park, when I started to hear someone yelling my name." Gabriel slowed down so he was walking next to Dean. "I left the game and ventured off into the woods to see if it was Castiel, when I heard him calling it again. I started running until I found the bridge, but I didn't see him... so I looked around, and sure enough he was in the water, next to Balthazar."

Gabriel kept his head down as they kept walking on, Dean didn't even try to look at him.

"I rushed down to see if he was okay, but it wasn't Castiel that was hurt. It was Balthazar. The closer I got the more blood I saw draining into the creek. We dragged him out together, but all Cas would keep saying is 'he's dead' and it scared me shitless. I called 911, but it didn't help, he was already gone by the time they got there. I could never figure out how the fuck he died by falling in the water... I still don't know what happened. All I know is that Castiel shut everyone out after that. He wouldn't talk, and when he did, it didn't make sense. Michael said sometimes he would wake him up from nightmares and hold him until he fell asleep. He didn't go to school. He didn't eat. He just faded away." Gabriel looked off into the distance, and then back to Dean. "That's when our mom started lashing out on him."

"What?" Dean mumbled, frustrated.

"She was so frustrated at him for losing himself that she thought she could beat some sense into him. Regardless it didn't work. He ran away a lot and I always picked him up from the same spot every time. This bridge." He mumbled pointing to the distance, where Dean could faintly see the woodwork built over the creek. "99 percent sure he'll be there now."

And with that, Dean ran.

He left Gabriel behind as he tore through the branches and leaves. He used the trees for balance, pushing off of them as the bridge became closer.

"Cas?" He called out, scanning the areas around the bridge.

He heard light sobbing as he reached the end of the bridge. He knew where it was coming from.

"Castiel." He mumbled, racing down the dirt hill so fast he practically fell on his face.

Dean stumbled past the rocks and right into the water. Castiel was kneeling in the current, digging into his palms with sharp rocks as the tears fell down his face.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Cas!" Dean let the water run past his legs as he knealt down in the water in front of Castiel.

"Dean I'm sorry." He said fumbling a rock in his hand.

"Hey hey no it's okay. Please don't hurt yourself. It's not your fault." Dean said grabbing the rock out of his fingers and flinging it into the water.

Castiel curled up his fingers and pulled at his hair, pleading he was sorry over and over. Dean grabbed his hands and pulled them down to his chest. He saw the blood that stained the inside from several small little cuts, it made him want to cry as he looked at the mess he had made.

"You're going to be okay." Was all Dean could manage to say as he held Cas's hands in his own.

"Stopping crying. It's okay. Please Castiel." He said reaching out to wipe the tears off of his cheeks.

"Dean I killed him."

"No, no, no. I'm sure you didn't. You're okay. I'm here. Gabe is here. We're gonna take you home." Dean whispered holding his face in his hands.

"Gabriel?" Cas looked up and met Dean's eyes with a sense of desperation.

"Yeah. Yes. He's over there." Dean said faking a smile as he was being torn apart inside by how shaken Castiel had looked.

Dean's heart couldn't have been any lower in his chest. The immense guilt and panic he felt overweighted everything. How could he have done this to the one person he was supposed to protect?

"Okay." He whispered, staring into Dean's eyes.

"Let's get out of the water. You're freezing Cas." Dean said standing up, guiding Castiel's hands up with him.

As Castiel stood, the water dropped off of him like rain pouring from a cloud. He held onto Dean's hands tightly as he shakily made himself stable again.

Dean pulled an arm around his waist to stabilize him and then pulled his head towards his and kissed the top of his hair as he closed his eyes. Castiel wove his arms around Dean's back and held on lightly, sobbing into Dean's jacket as they continued to stand in the middle of the creek.

"Shh. You're okay. I'm here." Dean whispered into his head as he lifted one of his hands to his hair.

"Dean, get him out of the water." Gabriel called from the bridge. For a second, it sounded like he could've actually been concerned about his little brother.

"Come on Cas. Let's go back to the car and I'll take you home, okay?"

Castiel nodded his head against Dean's chest and dropped his hands from behind his back.

"You're going to be fine. I promise."