Hold me close {{Larry one-shots and drabbles}}[ON HOLD]

And I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in.

Louis,

I’ve written and re-written this in my head a million times, and every single time I know words won’t be enough. They will never be enough for the miracle that’s you, Lou.

Rehab’s all right, I guess. Frankly, I don’t know. It’s gonna take time for me to get used to the fact that I’m here, that I tried to kill myself, that I need help.

Where do I start ? I think I’ll start by saying sorry that you had to see that- I never wanted you to see me in that state, I never wanted anyone to see me like that but in my head it felt right. Sickening isn’t it? I can imagine you shaking your head for that, I know you will. You were always the one who told me that I wasn’t going mad, that I needed to be patient that it would be all right. But I wasn’t and it got –it became too much and I just wanted to end it all.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve wanted to tell you, when all I wanted was for you to tell me that I was still all right, but I never did. It was so hard, Lou, waking up every day with this crushing weight on your chest, squeezing you tight, making you breathless. How do I tell you that the loneliness was literally painful? I know - I know that you were there, so were Zayn, Niall and Liam- I had everyone.

But I felt so alone.

I tried, Louis. I tried. So I cut myself every day- it was my way to try and forget and after a while I needed that more than air.

Then I found you and for a little while, for the few blissful moments I’ll always remember, it was okay. I wasn’t hurting anymore. But I should have known that it would all crash back on me, stronger than before and I would be helpless.

And I was.

So, I’m sorry that I stopped trying, I’m sorry that I gave up- on me, on you, on us. I was wreck (I still am) and the last thing I wanted was to drag you down with me.

You were this beautiful thing that I so badly, so selfishly wanted for myself. You were perfect , Lou- every time I saw you, it hit me harder just how much I loved you and how much it was hurting you to see me like that. So, I started pulling back and further and further I went until I couldn’t get back to you.

It was getting so much harder, and I thought it was easier to let it go and I did. I had every intention of dying that night and then you walked in. And suddenly in those few seconds I saw you at the door…I didn’t want to die.

You were there every day at the hospital, you were there holding my hand even though I didn’t say a word, refusing to look at you. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself and I’m so, so sorry .I’m sorry for that night, I’m sorry for every other night I pushed you away, I’m sorry that wasn’t good enough for you, I ‘m sorry that I hurt you so much, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, Louis. You deserve nothing but happiness and love and maybe…I’m getting too far ahead but if- if you still by some miracle want me, I’ll make sure that I’ll give you the world. I’ll make up for all of those days, I’ll try to erase those horrible memories and I’ll love you better and just-

I need you in my life- I need to see those blue eyes, I need to hear your laugh, and I need to see you smile. I want to kiss you again and never – I don’t want to let you go.

I love you, Louis. I love you so much and I’m holding onto this glimmer of hope that you still love me too. I’m sorry for everything, every single thing.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I love you, Louis. I love you so fucking much. I do. I love you.

I love you.

****

Title from Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson