Maybe It Can Be Real

Chapter 71

Ending of last chapter:

"I think she's healthy already," I tell him, brushing her cheek with my finger.

"Oh, guaranteed," he agrees. "I have the magic touch."

Smiling, I let the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest and the rhythmic tap-tap-tap of his fingers on my hip pull me to sleep. I sleep better than I have in a while, knowing my wonderful husband and sweet baby are right there with me.

****

A rushing feeling of terror and dread washes over me, drowning me in its depth and severity. My chest is tight with fear, making it almost impossible to breathe - to scream, scream until my throat is raw and aching. My eyes snap open, blinking rapidly at the light flooding in through the cracked door. Sweat plasters Peeta's shirt to my back, the sheet tangled around my legs and waist. My chest heaves up and down, up and down, gasping for the air that I couldn't get a moment ago.

It was just a dream. Peeta and Willow are right here. Letting my eyes fall shut again, I reach over to touch Peeta, to reassure myself that he's there, when my hand closes on air.

I bolt up, gasping, "Peeta!" I shake the hair out of my face, stumbling out of the sheets and off the bed. Half-walking, half-jogging, I race down the stairs, tripping slightly on the last step. I blindly make my way through the house, quickly glancing in each room, to the kitchen, where I see Peeta and Willow in the backyard, Haymitch seated on the porch steps.

The anxiety goes out of me in one long, exhausting breath, making me lean forward against the counter, my eyes falling shut for a moment.

Peeta and Willow are safe, I tell myself. They were not taken by mutts, they are in our backyard, where they are safe. Safe.

Even after all these years, that word still doesn't seem true. Sometimes I fool myself into forgetting about everything - or merely just pushing it to the back of my mind, since forgetting is an impossible task. But at the end of the day, the fear and worry always comes back. Fear is the hardest thing to overcome, after all, and I am not good at facing my fears.

When I open my eyes again, I make eye contact through the window with a smiling Peeta, who, upon seeing my face, stops smiling. His eyebrows knit together and understanding sorrow covers his features as he stands, handing Willow to Haymitch with a murmur. As he opens the door, I take a step back from the counter, casting my gaze downward, oddly ashamed. I suppose it's pathetic to see your wife standing in your sweat-stained shirt, with no pants on, almost in tears in the middle of the kitchen.

"It's okay," he whispers, gathering me in his arms. His hand cups the back of my head, fingers winding into my hair. He gently kisses my head, then says, "It wasn't real, just a dream. It's over now."

I wrap my arms around his waist, pressing my head to his chest, shaking. He's here, he's fine, I repeat to myself like a mantra.

He continues to hold me, and I let him, for who knows how long, until I stop shaking. Eventually I pull back a little bit, letting out a breath. "I'm sorry. Thank you. I just - I'm sorry," I mutter, still not quite meeting his eyes. My cheeks and ears flush pink just that little bit.

"Hey, look at me," he says quietly, using one careful hand on my chin to tilt my head up, his callused fingers scratching it. He searches my eyes for a moment, silent. All you can hear is our breathing, his steady and mine shallow. Finally, he asks, "Why are you sorry? You don't need to be, Katniss." My name rolls off his tongue like a caress to the cheek, and my eyes flutter closed again.

He leans forward and places a soft kiss on both of my eyelids. "Look at me," he whispers. Reluctantly, I do. "Tell me what's wrong so I can fix it." Slowly, he presses our lips together, then pulls away. After a moment he tells me, "I love you."

Sighing, silent for a moment more, I try to gather my thoughts. "I had a nightmare about you and Willow, and when I woke up you guys were gone." I swallow against the lump in my throat. "I found you guys, and I started to relax because I'm used to the nightmares by now. But then I realized I was standing in the kitchen, in nothing but your shirt and my underwear, trying not to panic. It struck me how weak I am, and I'm embarrassed by it."

He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "Please don't talk about how strong you think I am. Please. I know that I'm not weak, not really anyway. It just made me feel weak and helpless, and I hate that feeling. I hate it, Peeta." I take a deep breath, steeling myself to say what I have to. "I love you, more than I can say, and that's the problem. Relying on you for every little thing? That shouldn't be, and I'm sorry."

Smiling softly, he kisses my forehead. "Don't you think I know that, Katniss? I understand that because I feel the exact same way. When I have a nightmare, I don't relax until I know that you and Willow are safe. I don't love anyone else, and no one else loves me." He shrugs. "That's just how this family works," he says quietly, holding my gaze with his strong one.

Giving him a choked rueful laugh, I reply, "But doesn't that make you feel weak?"

"If you're saying that love makes me weak, then yes. You and Willow are my greatest weakness, and you, particularly, have for a long time." For a long moment he kisses me, warming my body. "But love also makes me strong. Without it, I wouldn't have anyone to protect until my dying breath. I wouldn't have anyone that could bring forth such a painful, gut-wrenching fear in me that I would do anything to keep safe. And that," he says, "outweighs any weakness that I might feel because of it. The good that comes with loving someone is so much more meaningful, so much more wonderful, that it diminishes any of the bad."

Shaking my head, I reply, "But I can't change my mindset overnight."

"I don't expect you to," he responds matter-of-factly. "No one does. This is something that's taken years to condition myself to think. I started the moment I realized that I beat the hijacking and any pain the Capitol caused me. When I was no longer afraid of you, but remembered that I love you."

I run my thumb along his lips, silent. Is this something that I'd be able to do? Take my nightmares as a sign of strength, that I'm able to pull myself out of the fear every single time and be happy, be loved, and love?

"I know what you're thinking," he tells me, kissing the pad of my thumb. "You can do it, and I'll help you, as I do with everything else. That's my job as your husband, and I'd do it even if I weren't. Because you deserve it, and you're one of the only constant, loving good things in my life."

Taking a deep breath, I nod. "Okay. I trust you. I just don't trust myself."

"That'll come with time. Like you said, this isn't happening overnight. Be patient and give it time."

Smirking, I tell him, "I've never been one to be patient. You always were."

"That's true," he commends. "Although, I'm feeling a little impatient right now," he whispers against my lips, his hands gripping my thighs.

"What are you doing?", I laugh breathlessly. "I'm only wearing a shirt, a shirt that doesn't even fit!"

"Exactly. I love you no matter what you look like or what you're wearing. Especially when it's one of my shirts," he murmurs, leaning forward to press his lips to my neck. His hands drift under my shirt to rest on my hips, squeezing gently. One hand slowly glides around to rest on my lower back, pressing me closer to him.

I tilt my head, closing my eyes, as I wind one hand through his soft hair. I can feel the goosebumps raise on my exposed skin as the cool air hits it, my shirt going up, up, up...

Against my better judgement, I pry his hands away, letting the shirt fall back down to my thighs. "Haymitch could look in the window or come in at any moment," I whisper. "I'd rather him not see anything. Willow, too."

Kissing me one last time, he replies with a shake of his head, "A damn shame. We can't do anything without being interrupted."

"Sorry, babe," I tell him. "Maybe we can do something soon, just the two of us."

He grins, making me shiver. "I can't wait."

*****

Bruh I'm so proud I cranked out most of this chapter in like 2 hours ya YEET  ((also this is like 2 weeks after the last update?? I'm KILLIN it))

Shoot straight and be brave my fellow lovelies,
Weezabeth <3