Secret // Calum Hood

19

Elena

I woke up the next day, Monday, feeling just the same as I would any other day.  I don’t want to go through today.  That’s what I first thought as soon as I woke up.  I don’t want to go through today.  Although I had a great day yesterday, I found myself in my bathroom ready to do it again.  And I did.  I’m not sure why.  That kind of scares me.  The thought that I’m at the point of not really knowing why I want to do it- I just do it.  I woke Mom up and made sure she stayed up before getting dressed myself.  It was starting to get colder now, so I could wear long sleeves without getting strange looks.  I’ve done the whole “long sleeves in the summer” thing.  Honestly, I don’t know how anyone does it.  It was so hot.  So I just stacked bracelets and arm warmers on.

But now I can wear long sleeves, so I chose a gray knit sweater and some black skinny jeans, with my usual Converse.  I have other shoes.  But these Converse were just special to me.  They were one of the last gifts given to me by a sober mother who cared.  I think deep down she still cares.  But it’s hidden underneath the false comfort the alcohol provides.  It’s hidden underneath the person she’s become.

I understand what it’s like to be worried sick about Dad being out there, risking his life.  I understand that it can be crippling.  I just don’t understand why she has to forget about me.  Because I’m here, right now.  I need Dad too.  But he’s not here, so all we have is each other.  Sometimes I get angry because she could have turned to me for comfort.  She always had me.  But now she doesn’t.

I wondered what would happen with Calum and his friends today.  They had a big fight at Homecoming, and now I want to know if Calum will stay with them.  He probably will.  No one wants to risk losing their friends and popularity for me.  Not even Calum.  He may have good intentions, but even I sometimes think that he should just go with his other friends.  I’m such a basket case, full of tears and drama that no one wants.  As I walked to my spot in the schoolyard and sat down, I noticed Calum walk up to his friends...and then right past them.  They weren’t facing him, so they didn’t see anything.  He spotted me and walked over, smiling.

“Hey you,” he said.

“Hi,” I said, sounding confused.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Don’t you-?”

The school bell rang then, so we rushed inside with the other kids.  I immediately went to my locker and then to class, hoping to not run into anyone, like Janie.  Calum sat down next to me a few minutes later.  We were silent, not really knowing what to say.  I didn’t want to bring up the issue with his friends anymore.  Ms. Brown started class and told us we should be on the part of our project where we make a big presentation for the class.  Although this isn’t due until the week before mid-terms, it will take time.  She doesn’t want us to have a powerpoint and just talk.  It has to be “creative”.  I don’t want to talk either, so I hope Calum and I can figure something out.  And then I thought of a great idea.  We can make a video!  It would be like a documentary type of thing, where we do interviews and stuff, and show what the other person is really like.  I wasn’t too excited for my part, but for Calum’s.  Everyone here thinks all he does is play soccer.  We can show them he’s in a really cool band!  I told all of this to Calum, and he agreed with the idea, except for showing the band.