Secret // Calum Hood

41

Month 4

Elena

The heavy rain of late April was falling as I read Calum’s latest letter over and over again on my bed.  My eyes teared up as I read his words.  I hadn’t written him back at all, not since that first letter he sent in February.  I didn’t want to hurt him or lead him on.

 

After I get out of here, I am moving away and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Dad not only wants us to move for me and my mother’s health, but his as well.  His therapist told him that living in a place with no memories in order to make new, happy ones is the best thing right now for his PTSD.  I didn’t understand.  I thought he understood that I can’t leave Calum.  I don’t want to be selfish, but Calum was there for me when no one else was.  I can’t just leave him.

 

But I have to.  So I can’t write him any letters.  I can’t make him think that we’ll ever have a chance.  I love him with all of my heart, but I have to let him go.

 

Things in here haven’t been too good.  Although I’m on level 2 now, and doing much better, I still think about all of the outside drama.  I even worry about the other girls in here.  They’re my friends now, we all look out for each other.  But I’ve done something I shouldn’t have.  A few days ago, in the bathroom, I heard someone, and I didn’t tell anyone about it, even though you’re supposed to.  My mind wandered back to the fresh memory, making me feel nervous and scared and guilty.

 

“Elena, there’s a shower open for you, so go now before one of the other girls take it,” Allie said, bouncing into the room in her clean pajamas.  I nodded my head and gathered my stuff.  I quietly went to the bathroom and walked past Jackie, the bathroom attendant that has to keep a watch on everyone.  I saw the empty shower and placed my stuff on the little bench beside it.  Before I started undressing, Jackie appeared.

 

“You wouldn’t mind if I went to the front desk for a bit, would you?  You’re not one of the ED girls are you?” she asked.  I shook my head no and she left.  I thought I was alone, but I heard gagging sounds coming from one of the stalls on the other side.  I followed the sound.  A stall door was closed, and I could see someone’s feet at the bottom.  The toilet flushed and out came Naomi.

 

“Oh,” she said when she saw me.  Feeling awkward, I turned to the sink and started brushing my teeth so I wouldn’t have to talk.  Naomi did the same.  Before she left, she turned to me.

 

“Please don’t tell anyone.  It’s just this once,” Naomi pleaded, her eyes tearing up.  I nodded my head.  I knew I should tell someone, but Naomi is such a good friend.  She just had a relapse.  We all have those.

 

I took my shower and stayed quiet for the rest of the night, and the next day.  Everyone asked me what was wrong, but I ignored them.  It felt like there was a war inside my head, and I hadn’t felt like that in a long time.  I was scared.

I was hoping with all of my heart that Naomi had told her therapist about it.  It’s confidential, so no one would know.  I just don’t want her to do it ever again.  Naomi is a sweet girl who had been told by her mother almost every day of her life that she needs to stop eating so much.  She tried several diets, but she always quit them.  She lived in her pretty, thin sister’s shadow.  She tried starving herself, but she always binged after a few days.  And one day, after a particularly nasty binge, she felt so sick and puked it all up.  She hated and loved it, which is something I can understand.  She thought it was perfect because she could still eat what she wanted and then just get rid of it and lose weight.  Her best friend found out, and that’s how she got here.