Secret // Calum Hood

27

Elena

“How are you going to not leave me alone when we’re at school?  We don’t have all the same classes,” I said.

It’s a few days later,, and Calum and I were enjoying the unusually warm weather by walking around my neighborhood.  We were holding hands, but this is something we’ve always done.  I shouldn’t let it confuse me.  No matter how much I want to be his.  

“Okay, well you’ll be alone for that.  But I’m going to be with you every day,” he said.

“Good luck with that when my mom comes home,” I said. “And when you have to take a shower, or have dinner with your family, or do your homework, or whatever sports practice-”

“Okay, okay, I didn’t think it all the way through!” he laughed.

“It’s the thought that counts,” I smiled.

“You’re in an unusually good mood today.  You’ve bounced back quite nicely,” he commented.

“Normally, I would be offended that you said I have regular breakdowns, but no one’s paid that much attention to me, so you’re let off the hook,” I said, swinging our hands back and forth as we walked.

“Seriously though, how are you?” he asked.

“Look, I was all kinds of messed up.  I still am.  But there’s some moments, like right now, where I have a little bit of clarity.  And I realize that I did promise that you could tell someone if you thought I was a danger to myself.  And that you just want to help me.  And that you care.  No one’s ever really done that for me, so thank you.  I don’t want to be alone.  I’ve been alone my whole life, and that’s basically what started all of this.  I guess it’s okay that you told your mom.  She seems like a good person to talk to,” I said.

“She is.  You can talk to her about anything.  And the best part is that she basically has the knowledge of a psychologist, but without the job, degree, and stuck up attitude,” he said.  I laughed.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to tell her everything,” I said.

“You don’t have to.  All I told her is that you’ve been self harming for about a year, and I just thought it would be better if you had a lady to talk to,” he smiled, emphasizing the word ‘lady’.

“I don’t know if it will be any different than when I talk to you,” I admitted.

“Well, I also told her so that if, one day, you...accidentally...take things a little too far...I have her to call,” he admitted.  It scared me, thinking about Calum thinking about if I ever go too far.

I never really thought about it myself.  I didn’t think it could happen.  There were times when I thought that if it did happen, I wouldn’t care.  That’s what scared me the most sometimes.  I thought about how it easy it would be to cut a little too deep, or puncture an artery.  Before now, I didn’t realize how close death could actually be.