Secret // Calum Hood

42

Month 5

Calum

The hot sun of the late May afternoon beat against my back as I kicked my soccer ball around my back yard.  I felt the beads of sweat running down my forehead as I focused on the goal.  I kicked the ball, aiming for the goal, but missing it by a few inches.  This had been happening all day.  I was majorly frustrated.  I haven’t heard from Elena since the time I called her dad the day she left for rehab.  I haven’t spoken to her in five months, and I probably will never speak to her again.  I went about my days, trying to forget about her, but I know deep down that I will never forget about her.

I didn’t think we would fade like this.

I can’t stop thinking of the way her kiss felt.  How you can tell that she doesn’t trust anyone, but she trusted me.  When I hug her, the way she would be so unsure at first, but then hold on to me like there was nothing else in the world.  I never thought that one day, it would just stop.  We both promised it wouldn’t be like this, that we would see each other again.  But she’s not talking to me, I can’t see her, and when she gets out, she’s moving to a place that is far from here.  I’ve tried talking to her dad, I’ve tried visiting her, I’ve tried everything.  I can’t make this feeling go away.  My heart hurts.

It’s been taking over my life, this being hopelessly in love thing.  I can’t get anything done.  I haven’t finished a song in who knows how long.  I can barely keep up with the songs at band practice, and the EP hasn’t even been written yet, much less recorded.  This was supposed to be my year.  When I met Elena and decided to be her friend, I thought, yes, I am finally being true to myself.  I am finally going to do something for myself and I won’t care what anyone says.

I didn’t expect to fall in love with her and then be forced to forget about her because she’s not allowed to see me.  I didn’t expect to be taken through this journey full of darkness and heartbreak.  

But as much as this all hurts, I don’t regret any of it.  Elena has made me realize that there’s people out there, people secretly hurting.  They’re damaged, innocent people who don’t deserve to feel all those bad things and harm themselves.  Elena has made me realize that I want to help them, all of them, as much as I can.  I don’t know how yet, but I want to be there for people.  And maybe it will make me forget about the fact that I can’t be there for Elena anymore.

“Calum, come inside, you’ve been out there all day,” Mom called from the door in the kitchen.  I sighed and decided it was best to quit.  After taking a shower, I slumped on the living room couch, bored as of what to do next.

“What’s wrong?” Mom asked, sitting next to me.

“I haven’t seen her in five months Mom.  I’m never going to see her again.  I’m never going to talk to her again.  She’s probably going to go and live a great life without me, while I’m going to be stuck here, failing to write songs for a band I shouldn’t even be in anymore.  I know I said that I’m happy as long as she is, but it hurts.”

Mom looked at me with that sympathetic look that mothers give when they don’t really know what advice to give.  She opened her arms and I hugged her, wishing that a hug could solve everything, because she gives the best hugs.  We stayed like that for about thirty seconds.  It’s been a long time since I’ve really needed Mom, and I’m glad she’s here.  I’m glad someone’s here for me.