Secret // Calum Hood

46

Elena

After spending the rest of the summer having fun and being in love, the time came for Calum and I to go back to school for our senior year.  I was nervous about it.  I haven’t been to school since the end of January.  That’s over six months, half a year.  I didn’t really want to see everyone’s faces again, knowing that they all still probably hate me and know where I’ve been.

But I had Calum to help me through it, and I am strong now.  I will not let anything they say or do get to me.  I am my own person, and it’s not my fault that they can’t see that.  Unlike all of my other first days of school, Mom and Dad were both up bright and early.  Mom even made pancakes and bacon, with fresh orange juice.  She was doing extremely well.  I finally felt like I had my own mother back.  I sipped orange juice at the kitchen table with my fuzzy slippers, listening to Dad talk about plans for the new house.  We couldn’t move yet because he wanted some construction done, and he wanted it to be a surprise for us.  I didn’t really care.  I was happy either way.  

“You’re just going to drink juice?  You need something to eat.  It’s part of your healthy routine, remember,” Dad said.

“I know, I know.  I’m just too nervous to eat.  Everyone there still hates me,” I confessed.  Dad put his newspaper down.

“That’s why I wanted us to move away,” he said.

“Honey, you’ll be fine.  It’s like you said, you have Calum to help you, and you’re strong enough to show all of those asshole kids that you shouldn’t be messed with,” Mom said.  I smiled.

“Thanks Mom,” I said.

“At least take a granola bar on your way out,” she said and I went upstairs to get ready.

In the weeks since I was discharged, I had grown more confident with everything, but especially my fashion choices.  Mom took me shopping last week and I now don’t feel the need to hide behind stacks of bracelets or sweaters.  I remembered on my first day of school last year, I wore shorts and a muscle tank, my scars covered with tons of jewelry.  I felt exposed the whole day, even with my scars covered up.  Now, I don’t feel like that anymore.  I feel like I can wear anything, and I will feel okay with it.

As I undressed from my pajamas, I looked at myself in the mirror.  My eyes could see the tiny white lines on my arms, and a few on my legs.  No one else could see them unless they knew where to look.  I focused on the scars.  They didn’t make me feel ashamed.  Sure, I wasn’t going to yell about them to every person I meet.  Instead, I felt powerful. They said, I have gone through something, and I survived.  I am not pathetic, or a loser, or attention seeking.  I am strong.  I fought, and I won.

I dressed in black ripped galaxy shorts and a black 5SOS t-shirt.  The boys finally made some merchandise after their EP did well.  They thought about touring, but Calum said he needed to stay with me for now.  I wanted him to go chase his dreams, but he told me that there’s always time for that.  I shouldn’t be so lucky.  Calum is such a great friend, and an even better boyfriend.  I’m still not over the fact that I get to say that now.  

I finished dressing and applied my makeup and said goodbye to my parents, making sure to grab the granola bar from Mom. I waited outside, looking up at my bedroom window on the third floor of the apartment, my back facing the street.  It was time to be a big girl now, I couldn’t hide in my room forever.  I heard a car pulling up, but I didn’t move.