Secret // Calum Hood

23: PART ONE

Calum

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over these past few weeks, probably even months.  I’ve been thinking about how much I want Elena to be happy, and how I want her to realize that she’s better than how her mom treats her, or how she treats herself.  I thought I was just thinking these things because Elena is a good friend, my only friend, my best friend, even.  But whenever she looks at me, or lets me hold her, and confides in me...I feel something else.  I think about what her life will be like when she’s better, and I realize that I still want to be in it when that happens.  I think about her moving away, and I get really sad.  I think about her eventually falling in love with someone, and I get jealous of that unknown person.  I find myself wishing and hoping it’s me that she will fall in love with.

She’s always looked beautiful to me, but tonight, she looks even more beautiful because of how clearly happy she is.  She said something about it snowing, but I didn’t even notice.  I was too consumed by this one thing that I unconsciously promised myself to do.  So I pulled her to me and I kissed her.  How amazing it is to be kissing her!

“I’m scared too,” she said, when we were apart, and then she pulled me back and we kissed again.  This was better than any Christmas present I had received this year, maybe even in my entire life.  I never thought this would happen, but here it is, happening!

But I thought about what she’s going through.  I thought about what she must be feeling, and the fact that her troubles are far from over.  I don’t want to mess with her feelings, no matter how much I like her.  She’s stuck in a gray area, confused and still hurting.  I shouldn’t do this.  So this time, I pulled apart and I held her hands in mine.  I looked at her brown eyes, shining from some feeling in her inner core.  I think I actually had to swallow a lump in my throat before I said this.

“We can’t,” I said.

“I know,” she said back, as if she understood everything I hadn’t said yet.

“I...I really like you Elena.  I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long.  But I don’t want to mess with your feelings.  I want you to focus on getting better.”  She smiled slightly, and caressed my face with her delicate hands as she spoke.

“I really like you too Calum.  As much as I want to be with you, I know what you mean.  I don’t want to be a girl who thinks her life will be better just because she has a boyfriend.  And I want to focus on me, and my family.  I want to have clean wrists.  But most importantly, I need a friend now, more than anything.  You’ve been such a great friend.  I need that more than a boyfriend right now”.

We looked at each other for a minute, locking this moment into our memories.

“One last kiss until you’re ready?” I asked.  She smiled as she pulled me closer and connected our lips one last time, until she was finally in a place where this could be real.

-

sorry that it's suuuuupppeerrrr short but i'm dividing it into parts cause the next has to be in elena's POV and i don't really like it when the POV changes in a chapter. anyway, how's your life been going? i miss you guys! this past weekend i went to bunbury music festival and saw Paramore!!! like seriously guys, you don't even know. like, they were my 1D and 5SOS before 1D and 5SOS. i love them so much i'm getting a tattoo of the three bars symbol. any parawhores out there? lol. i'm sorry this is so short, but happy reading! xx