Anger Issues

fifty five

Austin

In the morning, I wasn't even sure how Jess and I were getting to school. I avoided talking to her, but I needed to for this. I didn't want her to end up being late for thinking I would get her, or her to get here for me to have already left.

I quickly texted her very simply. Kyle told me what happened and it only made me more sure that shit beyond us was happening. I wanted to talk to her but I didn't know how to. She wasn't opening up and without that, I didn't know how to talk about anything.

Me
How are you getting to school

She responded after about a minute. After reading her response, I was already feeling guilty. If anything, though, I felt like she would actually talk to me today.

Jess
Im omw

I didn't really want to talk to her, honestly. She wasn't putting as much effort into fixing our issues as I was, so it seemed pointless. I wasn't sure how to approach the topic without starting an immediate argument.

Going downstairs, by the time I reached the door, Jess' car was already pulling up to my house.

I could already feel the awkwardness and tension that would surely come up during the car ride.

I didn't look directly at her, but from the corner of my eye, I saw her glance at me as I sat down in the passengers seat.

The ride started off quiet, awkward, and filled with tension, like expected. Finally, though, Jess broke it.

"Austin," she softly called. "Yeah?" I muttered, still unable to look at her. "I'm sorry for what I said," she apologized.

Fuck off, Austin.

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter," I said. She glanced down at my harsh response, quickly looking back at the road.

"Just tell me what's going on, Jess. I know there's more to it," I finally said. She didn't respond. Her expression showed that she knew what I said, but her silence answered for me.

I didn't argue. I leaned back and sighed, not even bothering to try anymore.

"When I got high the other night.. I felt so happy," she spoke. I stayed silent, hearing every word and waiting for her to continue.

"And it's been so long since I felt that happy," she added. "But I fell asleep with the pen on my table and I was so high that I was late for school. Noah woke me up and found the pen, and got mad at me. That's why I asked you where you got it from, because I wanted another one," she continued.

"I wouldn't have told you either way," I said, remembering the conversation I had with Kyle.

"I know," she said. "And I'm also sorry for freaking out about that," she quietly added. "Kyle showed me the texts. I didn't realize what I was doing," she said.

My attention was fully widened now. Kyle didn't mention that part.

"What else is happening?" I asked, knowing that wasn't it. "Can we please.. not?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Jess, how am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's happening?" I asked.

Noticing my tone, I quickly calmed myself down, leaning back. She stayed silent, and had every right to. I blew my shot by that sudden outburst.

The rest of the ride to school was silent. We said nothing, and even when she parked the car, we split ways without saying anything.

Our relationship seemed like it was at it's lowest point.

—

Throughout school, we barely talked. We said almost nothing throughout the day and now it was obvious to Kyle and Kayla at lunch, which made things even worse, considering Kyle and Kayla's past.

After school, though, I decided that I needed to talk to Jess. She was already waiting for me in her car so when I sat down, she started driving.

"Come over," I told her. "Please," I added. She opened her mouth to talk, but I stopped her. "Don't argue, don't resist. Just come over," I said.

"Why?" She said. "Because we need to be us again," I told her.

She parked in front of my house. We got out of the car and thankfully, nobody else was home yet.

I brought her to the kitchen, letting her sit at the island table, as I grabbed a few snacks and brought them to us.

"Do you trust me?" I asked. She nodded her head. Her eyes hadn't met mine. "Jess, please look at me," I said.

She finally turned her head towards me. Her soft eyes were broken. She was hurting more than I thought. She could be laughing but if her eyes looked like this, it was bad.

My only instinct was to hug her. So, I did. My arms tied around her torso as hers (slowly) did my shoulders.

"What's happening?" I softly asked.

When we pulled away, I saw immediate tears in her eyes. She was holding them back, though. I could easily tell.

"So much shit is happening all at once, Aus," she shook her head, looking up to stop herself from crying.

"The baby is gone, I fucked up by getting high, I keep arguing with you for no fucking reason. My parents are.. I don't even know what's going on between them. Everything's coming down on me at once, and I don't know how to handle it."