Lights, Cameras, Outsiders!

Chapter 23

LCO 23

"How is he?" Cruise asked me when I asked him to go downstairs with me to get a snack.

"Loopy. You know he did? He called his parents in freakin New York and he was going on and they thought he was drunk," I said stepping out of the elevator.

"And how'd that go?"

"I had to get on the phone and introduce myself as his girlfriend and she said he never mentioned me and he was just out of it and now she wants to meet me," I said. Tom laughed.

"One day you'll look back at it and laugh."

"Yeah not today," I said, starting to stick coins in the machine.

"Essie?"

"Yeah?"

"Does he ever...cry?" I stared at him.

"Matt?"

"Yeah."

"No, the last time he cried for real and not on cue was when he was eight. Why?"

"Cause when you were in the hospital he wasn't crying but if my girlfriend was in the hospital I'd sure shed a tear," he said. I grabbed my snack from below.

"See sometimes I think about replacing Matt with you," I teased and kissed his cheek. He laughed.

"But you've really seen him cry?"

"No. I've seen him raging pissed and in pain but never crying."

"Does that bother you?" He said, grabbing his snack from the machine. I stepped closer and lowered my voice.

"Look, he probably has cried in the last ten years. It's all part of his tough guy image. He doesn't even want the press to know he has a long term girlfriend cause he's afraid they'll think he's soft."

"Do that bother you?"

"At first it did, but now it doesn't. He doesn't want me kissing him in public and stuff but I do it anyway."

"Do you ever think that's corrupt?"

"We're the most corrupt people in the world, Tom. It's just a matter of time before we snap."

*****

That night the anesthesia wore off and he was asleep, holding his jaw. The next day he was wide awake and in a lot of pain. I had to give him his pills every four hours with water and some replacement gauze.

"Matt," I said giving him the pills an the water.

"Huh?" He asked. He swallowed and took the bloody gauze out and into the trash can next to the bed.

"When was the time you cried?"

"Ten years ago when my uncle died."

"Not ever since then."

"No. On cue I have but not for real," he opened his mouth so I could put the gauze in.

"Why?" He said before I put it in.

"Because I was thinking about it."

"That I haven't cried in 10 years?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I just don't cry."

"Never even recently?"

"Why are you interested in my tear duct's history?"

"Why don't you cry?"

"I don't cry because I don't have to. I can't believe we're having this conversation."

"Not even when I had the miscarriage, not when you left, not when I wouldn't let you in, not ever, not once?"

"No!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

"When was the last time you cried, Matt?"

"When you wouldn't take me back months ago!" It was quiet.

"The last time I cried was when I was at your front door begging for you to take me back and when you said no, I went back to the airport, had a bottle of scotch, and cried in the terminal..." I didn't say anything.

"I haven't talked about it ever but... that wasn't a good night for me. I didn't want people thinking I was weak or soft. So I never told anyone."

"Why didn't you cry when I had the miscarriage?"

"Because I didn't want the baby. But I wanted you that night so I just drank and cried until the plane came." I stared at him.

"Come here, I'm not making this up, that was seriously the last time I cried," he came forward and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry I even kicked you out of the house that night," I said, starting to choke up. He didn't say anything.

"I don't even remember what that fight was about that night," he said.

I let go and sat back.

"I don't either."

"Okay then just forget it," he said.

"Matt, what are we gonna do once this movies over with?"

"I've been trying to figure something out, don't worry, I have it under control," he said before lightly kissing the top of my head.

"I love you, okay? We don't have to think about our past. We're here now and we'll always be. Ok? Don't worry about anything," he said. I smiled.

"Okay."