Lights, Cameras, Outsiders!

Chapter 51

LCO 51

Susie made it perfectly clear that I was to stay at her house until Matt thought it was okay I could stay with him in the hotel again. She didn't want me coming to the set because she thought it would be best for everyone right now. I hadn't spoken to Cruise since I told him Matt knew and I was pretty sure he was back from LA. Susie updated me how everything would be on the set, and at this point they were filming the church fire in the Tulsa Warehouse. It had been three weeks without a word from Cruise or Matt but lots of words from Susie. Everyday she told me I better beg for forgiveness from God and Matt, and how everyday Matt would tell Susie it's okay I was on the set but then minutes later confirm that he didn't.

I was basically locked in my room all the time and I wrote and wrote and wrote until I had notebooks scattered across the room and paper balls bordering my bed. I watched TV and MTV player Over the Edge at least once every three days and at first I didn't want to watch it but I eventually watched it until he died, and turned it off for a while.

And everyday was monotone, and recently Susie told me that I could go on the set and that Matt was okay with it, but I thought I needed to be in solitude longer and I punished myself for another week, crying most days and not having contact with anyone but Susie and David. That is until I heard a knock on the door one night. I thought Susie had forgotten her key again so I unlocked it and opened up. It was Rob and Christine.

"Hey," Christine said.

"Hi," I said.

"Look, Matt asked us to come get you so he could talk to you. He said you've been isolating yourself a lot," Christine said.

"Solitude is my punishment. I deserve a hundred years of it."

"No, you don't. Look, get in the car and we can talk," Rob said.

"I don't know..."

"Brush your hair, grab your coat, and get in the car. Matt wants to see you," Christine said. I sighed and did all she said and met them in the truck.

"Essie, you know you don't have to make yourself depressed as your consequence. Not seeing your boyfriend for an entire month is punishment enough," Christine said as Rob started to back out of the driveway.

"I think I do."

"Look, Essie, you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. He did this to you before, and he didn't punish himself for this long, did he?" Rob said.

"No..."

"You want my opinion? A man's opinion?" Rob said.

"I guess."

"If Christine did this to me, I'd be heartbroken but I'd expect a little time and space and then after maybe a week or two I'd be back with her. Okay? That's what Matt originally wanted to do, he wants to see you, he thinks you hate him."

"But I don't!"

"Then you got to let him know that because he's obsessing over the fact that maybe you're pissed with him for tryin to get some space."

"That's not true."

"Well you have to tell him that," Christine said.

"How's Cruise?" I asked. They were quiet.

"He's gonna get the stitches out of his forehead in a couple days. Matt beat the utter shit out of him," Rob said, looking in the rear view mirror at me.

"What?"

"He beat the crap outta him. Slammed him into walls and Cruise tried to fight back but you know-"

"Where is Cruise?"

"Essie, do NOT get involved with him. Don't talk to him," Christine snapped.

"Is he okay?"

"Does it really fucking matter, Essie? He basically raped you!" Rob shouted.

"He did not!"

"Okay well based on the story that you told Matt and the story Cruise told it sounds like it!" Rob snapped.

"I wanted to do it, Rob."

"Then fucking tell Matt that. Jesus, Essie, you hiding anything else?!"

"Rob! Stop it! You're making things worse!" Christine said. Rob pulled into the hotel parking lot.

"I'm sorry, Essie... Just be completely honest with Matt right now," Rob said, turning around and staring at me. I nodded.

"He's in his truck over there," Christine pointed to a blue truck with cigarette smoke trailing upwards.

"Thanks," I said opening the door.

"Essie," Christine said. She squeezed my hand.

"Good luck," she said. I smiled and walked out and made my way to the truck. Matt sat in the front seat, taking a cigarette out of his mouth. I nervously knocked on the window. He looked at me and smiled, leaning over to unlock the door.

"Come on in."