Damaged (Linctavia)

Part 8

All Sunday Octavia laid in bed thinking, miserable and sad. Pmsing to make this even worse. She really didn't know this Lincoln guy. It had only been 3 weeks. Bellamy did have a good point and she knew he only wanted to protect her. He just goes a little over board sometimes. Lincoln did lie to Octavia... but even though he lied, she couldn't stop worrying about him. Was he okay? She really wanted to believe he was good. With her, he was good. So good. The sweetest. Unlike any other guy.

She rolled over in bed and grabbed her phone. 5 New messages and 3 Missed Calls. She read her home screen, all the texts were from Lincoln. He wanted to tell her the truth, if she let him. He was sorry but didn't want to bombard her so he wouldn't force her to forgive him. He just wanted to thank her. She put her phone back on the night stand and stared up at the ceiling. After a good hour of hesitation, she decided to get up and get dressed. She threw up her hair and grabbed some jeans and a plain white t-shirt. She walked over and opened up her bedroom door, surprised to see Bellamy standing there. "O. Hey um, I just wanted to check if you're ok." He said scratching his head. "Yeah I'm fine." She pushed past him. "And that Im sorry... for like the millionth time!" He yelled after her but she just ignored him and left the house.

Octavia walked over to Lincoln's house, knowing the route by heart now. She went up to the door and knocked gently, hugging her arms anxiously as she waited. Lincoln opened the door. "Hey... How did you get here?" He asked looking back. "Walked." She said and let herself in. "You walked here?! That's like really far." He says leaning against the side of the door and turns around. "I've done it before." She shrugged. "Mmm." He just nodded. "Lincoln. Are you going to tell me, or did I walk all this way for you to say sorry, not tell me, make up some nice thing on how much you like me and think it will all work out." She rambled on, crossing her arms and leaning in her hip. "I'm gonna tell you." He nodded and let out a sigh walking outside.  He sat on the front step and looked over at all the other houses. Octavia left the house, closing the door behind herself and walked over, sitting on the steps beside him. "I was 17 when my dad died." Lincoln started. Octavia's sucked in a breath and clasped her hands together. "I wasn't in a good mindset at the time, I was hurt and stupid. As soon as I turned 18, I left and joined Mara Salvatrucha. My dad was a member but he wasn't a bad person. He was involved in some horrible things but he had the biggest heart." He paused for a moment and looked down. "I was the youngest in that group, they only let me in because I was my fathers son. But because I was so young—naive, they took advantage of me. They thought I was a stupid kid that only wanted to be like dad. And I was. I just wanted to feel something. Like I was a part of something. A family. And it was all good in the beginning. Laughing, smoking, drinking, leather jackets, tattoos. But it wasn't long before the laughing turned into fighting, the smoking turned into drugs, hard liquor, bikes and chains. We were those scary thugs on the streets at night. I was finally apart of something. They'd opened up to me, let me be part of the real thing. But the thing is when you join that group, you can't ever get out. And you're not a family. Your enemy's with everyone, eventually you're your own enemy." Lincoln looked over to Octavia, seeing how she was holding up. He'd never really told anyone this before. She seemed attentive, patient, she was listening, giving him a chance.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I did bad things. I did... horrible things." He whispered, eyes shutting. His hands lifting up to cover his face for a moment. "I was a bad person. And the things I did, the way I acted— it still haunts me. But I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never wanted to go that far."He stopped. "Did you kill anyone?" Octavia asked, straight forward, wanting to know, but avoided his eye contact. "No. No I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I..." she shook his head not even able to say the words. "The thing is, you need to prove your loyalty. You need to be all in. I remember the night they took me to a dark place. Not only literally but mentally. They said things to me, they brought all my anger to the top. They placed a gun in my hand and they placed a guy in front of me. They tied him up and let him struggle. He was screaming and begging.... I held the gun to his head." He stopped, struggling now. Fighting back the hurt but the tears came anyways. He never cried. He was good at keeping that emotion locked up.

Octavia stole a look at him, her heart melting when she saw the tears, she heard the hurt in his voice as he spoke. She reached her hand over and interlocked their fingers, giving his hand a squeeze. She was there for him. "As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw my dad. He would've done it." He whispered. "I was so high. Morphine, heroine. I don't even know but I was a mess. I couldn't do it. I dropped the gun. But I was so close." He whispered, wiping his tears. "Bellamy's right Tavia. I got out before it was too late, but I still have ties to them, they are dangerous. I'm dangerous. I could have killed someone." He said, letting go of her hand. "But you didn't. You don't have the heart to do that." Octavia frowns. "Octavia. Please. Don't make this harder than it already is. They are dangerous. You being with me puts you in danger. I can't let that happen. I won't. You should just go." Lincoln said before standing up. "No. Im not going." Octavia stood up too. "I told you everything. I did. Just go before it's too late." He pleaded. "I'm not leaving you Lincoln." Octavia fought back, angry now. "Please! Go!" Lincoln raised his voice. "But I love you!" Octavia screamed out before realizing what she just said. "I...I love you Lincoln." She whispered looking down. It was silent for a moment, Lincoln stood there, looking away from her. "Lincoln!" She cried out, tears stinging the back of her eyes. "Answer me!" She growled out but he couldn't look at her. Soon tears were streaming down her face, she took a step closer to him and hit him. He shut his eyes and she hit him again. And then again. And then again. Growling, her arms swinging at him, he finally grabbed her little wrists and stopped her. She started to cry out, really cry now, her forehead just collapsing against his chest. "Please." She blubbered out and he just couldn't, his heart hurt. He couldn't do this to her. His hands gently let go of her wrists and moved them to caress her cheeks, pulling her up to look at him. He leaned his forehead to hers and shut his eyes. "I love you too Octavia. More than you know."