𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑳𝒀 // fillie

2: love is dangerous

927 words

listen to silence- khalid in the background :))

millie's pov:

i'm not the type of person to share a lot about myself. i've been quite a secretive person my entire life, i just never found the need to tell people things about me that even i haven't come to terms with yet. one of those things being my family.

people look at me and think "oh, she's so innocent. there's no way she has had anything other than the perfect childhood." they're far from the truth. my childhood was anything but perfect. when i was seven my parents started to fight. and not the normal bickering, it was far more painful to watch and listen to. i used to cry myself to sleep at night and sob whenever i heard the fighting start again, because i knew i was the one who caused it to happen in the first place.

the only reason they argued was because of me. how to take care of me. how to get enough money to give me a better childhood. why my mother had me in the first place. it was heart wrenching to know that at such a young age, i was the cause of so much misery between my parents. at one point my father couldn't take it any longer, he couldn't bear to spend another day with the two people that caused him the most pain and that he didn't love anymore.

so he just left.

left me and mom in the middle of the night, expecting us to just pick ourselves off the ground and start over.

i was heartbroken. torn up. diminished by the fact that my father, my parent, had just left me. he didn't love me anymore, he didn't care what became of me because he was driven to madness by the thought of me. i expect that was when the abuse started. 

i didn't know much of it before i heard tidbits of information from my mother about his new family and his new step children, and how he loved them, but thought of us back here made him  resort to abuse to make himself satisfied. i couldn't help but imagine how lonely and neglected his new family must be, forced to stay with him to be the recipients of his anger and agony. 

even though i knew my mom accepted that my father was a bad person, there was still one, small part of her that loved him. through all they'd been through, she still loved and cared for him, as if he never abandoned us. i wanted to knock some sense into her, but i knew it would never work, love blinds and love kills.

love is dangerous for the mind and soul.

she fell into a state of depression when i was around 12. anxiety enveloped her body's and she grew more distant day by day. it was like one half of her was present, being a mother, and the other half was sadness and misery. i saw it in her eyes that she was unstable, but there was nothing that i could do, fate was her last resort. 

at 14 i started to except the fact that my mother was alive, but gone. her emotionless eyes, her tight smiles, her shaking hands, they were all signs that she was disappearing. 

but one day she met a man. a man who thought she was beautiful and worthy of life. john sink was the cure to her depression. she smiled once more, she laughed once again. the color flooded her cheeks for the first time in many months, i started to see the mother in her again. john sink had a daughter named sadie, a beautiful red headed goofball who was my best friend since the moment i met her. with mom and john dating and then engaged and finally married, and sadie beside me, life was almost perfect.

keyword: almost

ever since freshman year i had a crush on romeo beckham. the cool guy who walked through the hallways without a care in the world and the boy who had every girl falling at his feet. i didn't think that a boy like him, a player, would ever like a girl like me. and from my last encounter with him, i was right.

*****

my history is a very big part of who i am. my childhood defines who i am now. my father caused me to not trust anyone. my relationship with romeo has taught me that words do hurt and actions define how others perceive you. my friendship with sadie has made me realize that no matter how much i believe that it's all dark, darkness is needed to see stars. 

i love my friends as if they were my family. loren, luna, sadie, and iris keep me happy and remind me that there are joys in life. every minute that i spend with them, the image of my father slips away little by little. his menacing voice slowly disappears as i grow older, but the fact that i don't have a father still sticks with me.

if i had a dad to tell me to be careful with boys, that some weren't worth the pain.

maybe life would be different with him by my side.

******

heyyyy

i'm really sorry that this was so short, i'm in a bit of a time crunch, i have volleyball in like twenty minutes so i'm rushing.

pls ignore any grammatical mistakes i'm literally speedwriting i'll proofread in a bit :)

love y'all 

- r