𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑳𝒀 // fillie

14: this romeo beckham rumor is more entertaining than language arts

// 1198 words //

// inspired by changes- xxxtentacion //

"MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS DAMAGE"

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F I N N

i block out the voices of the twenty some teenagers in the same room as me, as i attempt to finish one more installment of the strangely beautiful book i had been unable to tear my eyes away from for the past two days. i was about a third through it and i had gathered a few more pieces of information about the unknown writer, she was a girl, and she knew me.

several people from our grade, including myself, had been mentioned in some part of the writing and it was shocking when i saw my own name written. she was obviously a person that i knew, maybe even someone that i saw everyday and talked to regularly. i flip the page to see a sloppily written entry, with words covering the entire page. i start reading it:

it's lovely isn't it.

how it all hurts but we keep going?

i frown when i realize that i've heard that phrase before, at the party. i can't recall exactly who said it because i was mildly drunk, but i definitely heard those exact words.

i am not a person who shares much about themselves. in fact the most anyone knows about me is just what i've told them, my family, my interests, just a little about me. even my sister and mom and stepdad don't know everything about me. i try to share about myself, but sometimes it seem so petty to relieve your struggles for another person to deal with. 

i believe that every person has two sides, two personas if you will. one: the first impression. perfect, intelligent, happy. two: the inner impression. flawed, imperfect, but still beautiful. humans have the ability to understand one another, to have empathy, but along with empathy we also carry pride and ego. being prideful is something that somewhat is in the same group as being confident, egotistical, and honor. the need for pride is very prevalent with all people whether you realize it or not. we want to have achievements, we want to not have insecurities, we desire the thought of finally being good enough and  to be proud of ourselves. pride is something that ruined one of the strongest friendships that i ever had. she grew to be a person who wanted the idea of being right more than me. she was willing to sacrifice everything we ever had to be prideful.

this goes out to you maddie.

i'm sorry i wasn't the kind of friend that gave you power of me. i'm sorry that you felt the need to tear down others to build yourself up. i'm sorry that i never tried to help you.

i'm about to flip the page when ms. dyers voice rang through the classroom. "students, i understand that this romeo beckham rumor is more entertaining than language arts, but please sit so we can get through this class." she smiles and pulls up a powerpoint on the smartboard as everyone takes a seat and puts away their phones. with any other teacher we wouldn't be as willing to listen and follow directions, but ms. dyer was different. 

she was fresh out of university, so she was only in her early 20's basically a teenager herself, and she understood us. there was probably no one who was in any of her classes that disrespected her, she really was an amazing teacher. i put the book back into my backpack and notice that millies seat next to me was empty. she wasn't one to skip school, i don't think she ever ditched in her entire high school experience. i tear my eyes away from her empty seat as ms. dyer starts the lesson.

"i think this is a project that most of you will enjoy-" she starts, but quickly gets interrupted by millie bursting through the door, breathing hard.

"sorry!" she mumbles as she speedwalks over to her seat and sits down.

"no worries ms. brown. i was just introducing our new semester project. this project will be worth 40% of your grade," a chorus of groans goes through the room. "and will be done with a partner..." a chorus of happy yells go through the room a everyone makes eye contact with the person they want to pair with. "...which i will assign to you..." everyone groans.

"in this project you and your partner will choose a song that means very much to both of you, and dissect the lyrics over the span of the next month and create a project about what message the song is conveying and how emotions is portrayed through the words." ms. dyer says, catching everyones attention.

i see millie smile out of the corner of my eye, but then frown. "wait, ms dyer?" she asks raising her hand. when ms. dyer nods in her direction she continues. "why are you giving us a whole month for this project?"

"i'm not just asking you guys to understand the song. i want you to feel the song. i want you to learn and understand the emotion put into the words and music. your grade will be based on your description of the song, how well presented your project is, and your letter."

"letter?" a girl questions, confused.

"yes, nearing the end of this project you will be expected to write a letter to yourself, to your parents, a friend, asking for forgiveness for something that you did. you don't have to send the letter if you don't want to but, i want you to get something out of the experience." ms dyer finishes. "any questions about this project?"

a brown haired, freckled guy in the back row raises his hand. "are we allowed to use rap for our song?"

ms. dyer smiles. "well... yes, rap can convey lots of meanings and could push you out of your comfort zone."

loren speaks out. "who are we working with?"

"i was just getting to that." ms. dyer pulls out a list from her pocket and straightens it out. "lilia with jack, loren with harvey, mackenzie with johnny, annie with hayden, jaeden with wyatt, jenna with jacob, signa with brayden, nadia with emily, lili and cole, and finn with millie."

some people groan, others yell out in happiness, and me and millie smile at each other.

"now, i'll let you know that i have actually put some thought into these pairing and i hope that all of you are somewhat happy." ms. dyer gives me a discreet wink and smiles and looks between me and millie.

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this was kinda short but oh well i might do another chapter today.

question of the day: describe your best friend. mine is the literal smartest person i've ever met and i'm literally so proud of her rn CAUSE SHE'S WATCHING STRANGER THINGS and she loves it!! she has so much boy drama but its alright cuz its so freaking entertaining. I LOVE U, YOU LIL LOSER

rant of the day: my internet is going on and off which means i'm dying

song of the day: rich & sad by POST MALONE i love this song so much like u don't even know.

love u guys vote comment and keep reading!

OH AND THX FOR 1K TYSMMM

- ROSE