𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑳𝒀 // fillie

33: she's drowning and i'm air

// 1507 words //

// inspired by laughter lines by bastille //

"MEMORIES ARE MAPPED OUT BY THE LINES WE TRACE"

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M I L L I E

october 8, 2018

i. 

miss.

him.

so fucking much.

it's like i'm breaking on the inside and no one knows. we can't look at each other anymore without tears falling from our eyes. 

i still love finn, more than anything, and it hurts to be this distant from him. i miss his curly hair that i used to braid, i miss his dorky smile, i miss him tickling my neck whenever i felt down. 

i miss him.

**************

F I N N 

october 8, 2018

i miss her. a whole fucking lot. i yelled at her yesterday and now i regret it, because i might've lost her. 

it hurt me trying to come to terms with the fact my mother is no longer in my life, but to lose another person might be the breaking point.

i find myself thinking about millie every waking moment and writing out unsent texts and playing songs that remind me of her, but it just makes it worse. i see her in the halls every day, and i want nothing more than to reach for her and hold her in my arms, but hold myself back in fear of hurting her again.

i miss her.

***************

M I L L I E

october 9, 2018

he skipped school today.

october 10, 2018

and today.

october 11, 2018

and today. 

***************

i brush past sadie and my mom as i run up the stairs and slam the door of my bedroom shut behind me. with my back against the cold wall, i slowly sink down to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest and my hands shaking. 

it's getting worse.

fuck, why can't it stop?

i hear my phone ring, the familiar ringtone echoing through the room and triggering memories in my head. hesitantly i reach for my phone and accept the call, ignoring the fact that every bone in my bone was telling me to decline. my hands clench into fists as i hear her voice again, the voice that has been tormenting me for the past week. maddie.