𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑳𝒀 // fillie

32: you deserve more than what i am

// 1257 words //

// inspired by say you won't let go//

"SAY YOU WON'T LET GO"

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ignore typos i need sleep

M I L L I E

i stand by finns locker, tapping my foot impatiently against the dirty tile floor as i check the time on my watch yet again. class starts in a few minutes and finn still hadn't arrived. i sigh and run a hand through my hair as i check my text messages with finn for the millionth time this morning. i texted him many times and he's read my texts but didn't answer, and finn always answers immediately. something is off with him today.

a smile comes onto my face when i see finn and iris enter the hallway, finn slouching and hands in pockets and iris flustered. iris flicks her eyes over to me and a tight smile comes on her face before she tears her gaze away from me and stares at the ground again. finn comes near me and his locker and avoids my gaze as he slowly puts in his combination and picks up his books. my smile falters when finn shrugs off my hand on his shoulder.

"finn." i say, trying to make him meet my eyes. "hey."

finn brushes past me as he speedwalks to ms. dyers class, leaving me behind. i frown and bite my lip in confusion and i go after him, trying to catch up.

"finn, what is it?" i call after him, receiving a disapproving look from a teacher who's shooing kids to their classes.

i enter ms. dyers classroom just after finn, and see that we've interrupted a lesson. ms. dyers gives us a look and gestures for us to take our seats, but her face forms into one of confusion when she sees finn. quickly she pulls out her phone to check the date and her face pales as soon as she does so.

i see her quickly whisper a few words to finn before she goes back to her desk, biting her lip.

"s-so class," ms. dyer continues her lesson, glancing at a slumped over finn repeatedly, and her eyes conveying a note of sadness. "as i was saying, please continue your projects for the rest of the class period."

the class turns into a loud, bustling environment as everyone gets up to tell their friends about the weekend gossip and who's dating who and who broke up with who. i turn in my seat to face finn who has his head on the desk, earbuds in and hair disheveled. his head comes up a little to check the time and i see his bloodshot eyes and purple bags before he immediately puts down his head again.

"finn." i say, laying my hand on top of his. "what happened? what's wrong?"

he doesn't answer me and pulls his hand away, and a flash of hurt goes through me. i fidget with the bracelet finn had given me weeks ago as i try and speak to him again.

"babe." i whisper, lifting his chin up to look at me. "tell me what's going on."

"leave me alone, millie." he says, a sad tone in his voice and a small rasp.

i pull away, as finn turns his chair away from me, curly hair hiding his eyes. he never calls me millie anymore. it's always mills.

after a moment finn gets up and walks over to ms. dyer head down, and after she reluctantly nods and walks out of the classroom, leaving me staring after him. i make eye contact with ms. dyer and she slowly shakes her head, knowing what i'm thinking, but i don't listen. i quickly stand up from my seat, almost knocking over the girl beside me, and run out after finn, determined to figure out what's wrong.

my feet pound against the tile floor as i search the halls for where finn might be, not giving a second thought to how much noise i'm making. i go through another hallway before i see finn leaning on the janitors closet door, hands on his face and shoulders trembling. i slowly walk towards him, my eyebrows pulled together, and i stop a few feet away. finn hears me and tries to regain his composure but i see past the act.

i walk so close to finn that we're almost touching and wrap my arms around him, letting his face rest on my shoulder. i slowly keep walking forward, and finn and i end up in the janitors closet. i pull away, cupping his tear-stained face in my hands as i force him to look at me.

"finn, what's wrong." i say, as finn immediately pulls away from my touch and goes into the corner of the closet. "please tell me finn. please." my voice breaks as i move closer to him and he steps back.

"millie, just drop it!" he says suddenly, causing me to shrink back. "fucking hell, it's my business, i don't have to tell you if i don't want to..."

my breath catches in my throat when i hear his words. "babe, i'm just trying to help-"

"i don't need your help millie!" he says, turning towards me. "i can deal with this on my own, you don't need to get involved with it."

"finn!" i yell, as i narrow my eyes at him. "you can't just shut me out like everything's fine! based on the state you're in something's definitely wrong. let me help!"

"millie, don't you get it?" finn says, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "i'm different than you! you're this goody two shoes with perfect grades and a perfect family and a perfect record. i'm nothing like that. you cannot possibly understand anything i'm going through, you've always lived a life where people looked up to you and praised you for your achievements, i'm not like that!" finn takes a deep breath and looks me straight in the eyes. "this won't work out. we won't work out. you deserve more than what i am."

i feel tears spill onto my cheeks, breaking through the barrier i've put, as the boy i love walks away from me.

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ugh i needa nap.

- ROSE