𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑳𝒀 // fillie

18: i love(d) him

// 1173 words //

// inspired by LITTLE DO YOU KNOW by alex & sierra //

"I'M TRYING TO PICK MYSELF UP PIECE BY PIECE"

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F I N N

with a shaking hand i turn the page.

i love(d) him.

i really do (did).

it's always been a bit strange when him and i talked and kissed and as soon his friends saw us, he would push me away. he would pretend that he never met me and that i meant nothing to him. i would confront him the next day, then he would pull me into an intoxicating kiss that made me forget about everything that truly mattered.

it's always like this, i've never known anything different. romeo beckham and me. me and romeo beckham. sometimes i wonder why he chose me. there isn't anything better about me than those other girls. 

i don't know, sometimes with him i can forget about whatever's weighing me down and i can be a teenager again. 

but didn't you see it before millie? were you so dumb that you were blind to who he really was? how naive do you have to be to love an asshole like him? didn't you see it? HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. he never did. he used you accept it. you let yourself become his little toy and you let him play around with your feelings, not even protesting. and people would ask if you needed any help, if you needed someone to talk to, and what did you do? you pushed them away because you were blind to the real romeo beckham that everyone saw ages ago. are you happy now? do you think you got what you deserved? 

"fraternizing with the enemy will lead to yourself becoming your own enemy."

i close the journal with such force that the table shakes and i throw it on the ground, my head in my hands. 

how was i so oblivious to the fact that she was hurting? how did i never realize it?

i open my bloodshot eyes to see millie's journal on the ground open, almost as if it's mocking me. c'mon finn, read more of me, read more! 

reading millie's inner thoughts and secrets as like a drug. an addiction. i always felt the constant need and hunger to read more of the journal. every page, every entry it was like i learned more about her, i understood her more. and you know the crazy thing? i relate to millie. one of the reasons that i can't stop reading is because i felt a connection to those handwritten words more than i have ever felt with any other person.

i had only found out that millie was the writer yesterday at my house when i saw her handwriting for the first time and realized that it was the exact same as the scrawled out words in this journal i could not seem to let go of. i was in shock for many hours after iris had sent her home. i was utterly speechless by the fact that all time time, i had been reading millie. not just reading her journal entries. i was reading millie. the inner workings and emotions of that one girl that i despised just a few weeks ago. 

now i feel a pull and connection to her that i never truly felt with anyone.

i feel like i'm violating her privacy in one of the cruelest ways possible and it scares me to tell her that i'm the person that has her journal. the person who she has disliked for years. 

i hear the library door slam closed, breaking me out of my thoughts, and i pale when i see millies figure enter the large room. she looks around and her face brightens when she see me, and she slowly starts making her way towards me.

i scramble to pick the journal off the ground and hold it under the table and recollect myself as millie stops a few feet in front of me.

"finn. hey." she says, giving me a smile. "i, uh, i just wanted to ask you why you were acting so weird when we were working on the project. it's like you just were scared or something."

she rolls on the balls of her feet as she looks up at me, her eyebrows pulled together in a frown, her cheeks starting to turn a soft pink.

i stand, holding the journal. "millie, i have something to tell you." i wait a few seconds contemplating what to do, before i pull the journal out from behind me and hold it out in her direction. 

millie stares at the book in my hands. she must have been driven nearly insane, wondering where it was. "i-i know this is yours. i saw your handwriting yesterday and realized that it was the same handwriting in this."

millie, her face pale and emotionless, slowly starts backing away, shaking her head. she runs a hand through her hair, and i see her shoulders move up and down in a faster than normal rate. "h-how..." her voice cracks, and her eyes still don't move from the book in my grasp.

i hesitate before answering. "i found it on the shelf. i didn't realize in the beginning that you wrote it. i started becoming obsessing with reading it, connecting more to these words than any other book i've ever read." i look at millie, who still is emotionless. "it started becoming like an addiction, it's so beautiful, this book. i still kept reading it after i found out that you are the writer. i-i'm sorry." i search millies to see if she was angry or disappointed or just plain violated.

but she does something different.

she smiles.

"finn... i-i'm sorry." she takes the book and clutches it to her chest like it is the most precious thing in the world. "you shouldn't have had to read through all my struggles and idiotic worries, i-i shouldn't have kept it where you could find it. i'm sorry." 

millie turns and starts walking away from me, her head hung low and i run after her, grabbing her arm and spinning her to face me. "really millie... i read what you wrote and i feel terrible that i didn't realize what was going on between you and romeo and i wish i could've helped-"

i stop talking when millie suddenly wraps her arms around me, her chin resting on my shoulder for a moment before she slowly pulls away. "it's fine finn. really."

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omg idk what to say i really did not plan where this chapter was going i just wrote it out of the blue and hopefully it reached your expectations?

question of the day: gimme ideas for really good birthday presents for someone who's turning 14. my best friends bday is soon and i have absolutely no idea what to get her cuz i want it to be really special

rant of the day: i'm at peace no ranting today :)

song of the day: dna by LIA MARIE JOHNSON 

i swear that song is amazing, watch the music video too

love y'all vote & comment

- ROSE