Letters to you, Book 5 in Wingless Series

Marcus

I let out a sigh of relief when I found the old leather journal. It barely showed signs of being read at one time. I ran my fingers down the cover bringing it to my face and smelling the familiar smell. The journal that had been through so much was Marcus'. It was the one thing that I never told anyone I had, I wasn't sure anyone even knew where he hid it or if it even existed. It was important to me it let me see Marcus in a way that even I had never saw him before.

I opened it up to the same page I always did each time I found myself a mess and helpless:

When I am gone.....

I am plagued by love, I am pained by love.

Light shines through the window telling me all is still, that I can let go.

I need hope, I want to throw away hurt.

No one sees what I see in life, no one understands that we all trip fall and stumble to the ground.

My mind is a trap, what is any of this worth....

I am cold and I am lonely... I know that sometimes people fall apart before my eyes.

Today I heard that someone left this earth and my heart was more alive than ever.

We are all gone, we are all forgotten, don't lie to me. Let me learn to be ok with death because today all I want is to hurt until the hurt makes me disappear.

Nothing will free this caged mind; nothing will ever touch me physically and radiate a new sense of sanity or life.

I am gone, like a tree left to survive alone, there will always be others to follow but none will ever be as good as that tree once was....

The sound of birds ... rushing never got us nowhere... it's too quiet to be this alive in death....

When I am gone, will you believe in me then? When I am gone what will be the best part of me that you hold on to?

I had always been moved by Marcus' unknowing words; he had no knowledge that they would speak volumes when he was gone. I felt like Marcus knew more then all of us, that he understood the big picture.

What we all took for granted, what was really so simple he understood.

There was a loud knocking on the door; I made my way to it looking out the peephole at Kenny. Even alone he stayed cocky I thought to myself as I opened the door.

"Hey." He said softly.

"Hi." I said back letting out a sigh; this was our first meeting since I regained my memories. I could tell he knew by the look on his face.

"Nice place, you're like on the sixty-sixth floor." He said looking around at my mess.

I shut the door happy to see him yet unhappy. I tried my best to throw on a happy face for him.

"Yeah pretty high up, thank god for the curtains on the windows." I said laughing weakly.

"I was going to call you before I showed up here, but I was worried you would tell me no." Kenny said pulling a box off of the loveseat and sitting down. I sat down across from him on my chaise lounge.

"Of course I wanted to see you sooner or later." I admitted shamelessly.

"How abnormally normal is all this?" He asked eyeing me a grin on his face.

"How is that so?" I asked back.

"You really moved out, I thought it was a sure thing you sticking with what you thought was normal and moral."

"Nothing about this is so why would you think that?" I asked. Kenny never failed to supply a who cares attitude to everything.

"I don't know; glad to see you are thinking about it all." He said with a shrug.

"More then you know." I mumbled coming over to sit by him, I rested my head on his shoulder sighing. Kenny rubbed my back not saying a word.

"This is just so overwhelming, I probably should be dead. But I am here going through yet another crap of a situation. And the reason why I don't want to just let you go is because you pulled me through it at the hospital, you not him." I said spilling it all out.

Kenny pulled me off of him looking me over as to why I was so emotional.

"You made it through you always will, and whatever happens it will always be the right thing ." Kenny said stroking my cheek with his fingertips. He didn't try to kiss me just watched me ponder everything he said.

"Evan was nothing but angry, I could see it and feel it. He doesn't want to understand what I am feeling." I said.

It was true Evan wasn't willing to realize there was more to this then just us being together.

"He understands, if he didn't you wouldn't be in this fancy condo." Kenny said leaning back on the loveseat getting more comfortable.

"What do you think of Gus and Naomi now?" I asked. I figured I would dig deeper while I had the chance.

"No different then what I thought about them before all this." Kenny said letting me rest my head in his lap. I stared up at his face as he talked trying to pick apart his choosy words.

"Even after them taking me?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. It's a matter of me knowing your safe and your still here. All the rest I can get past, their Grims they take what they want; they get what they want, any way then know how. We all do it, story of my life." He said running his fingers through my hair.

He finally broke and looked at me; I lifted my head just in time to catch his lips coming for mine. I held tight to the back of his neck to support myself, I was out of questions. I knew I didn't know what to do.

Evan would always be the one that I fell for like no other. He would always be the father to my child. He would be the one I was brave enough to marry. He would always hold my heart in more ways than anyone would.

Kenny was tough, but on the inside, he was sweet and kind and so much like me. He saw me exactly like I saw me, and he liked what he saw. He knew how to cheer me up, and he knew when to leave me be. He might have been a horrible person at times but to me he was everything I counted on.

Kenny lifted me off the couch, I held tight to his neck letting him lead me to my bedroom. He tossed me on the bed roughly diving onto it giving me one more kiss and wrapping his arms around me, he let out a sigh leaving it at that.

"What that's it?" I asked turning my head a little to look at him, he kissed my shoulder nodding.

"You're a freaking nympho aren't you?" He asked poking my side.

"Well so were you at one time." I said rolling my eyes.

"Just shut up, I know you're upset, you're debating your whole life and what is right and wrong or something like that. So I'm trying to go along with it." He said kissing my cheek sending butterflies through my stomach; I barely could hold it together.

"I never knew you had morals." I said closing my eyes and letting him hold me.

"That's something I seemed to gain when I fell for you." He said. I practically laughed out loud, at how sincere he was being. I waited patiently for something Kenny like to come out of his mouth.

"Besides I know if we had sex Evan wouldn't have a chance." He said kissing my neck, laughing at his lame joke. He tugged my hair being his usual self. I fought him playfully laughing hard at his hands as he tried his hardest to tickle my legs. Knowing that was my one weakness, I barely could breathe as he kept torturing me.

"Ok !" I screamed turning to my stomach, I slipped a hand under his shirt stroking his chest.

Kenny laid a hand on my back the other behind his head.

 "I'm glad your back." He whispered in my ear. I nodded barely hanging on to consciousness; sleep was very much welcomed it took me away from Gus's demands.