Being Next to You - Always there

julian - highs & lows

    I will tell you the truth.
 

  I already knew that my relationship with Rina was now different, but at the same time, it's not.
     If there are some changes, only a few, not that many.
     When I'm with Irina Bookman, it's like the times when we were still dating each other.
     Her facial expressions are sometimes stiff— I rarely see those kinds of gestures. But gradually, it was becoming something I am looking forward to.
     Spending my time with her made me witness things I don't usually expect.
     Being as my company, Rina wasn't that bad. In fact, "comfortable" might be the best word, she wasn't a threat. I'm not dumb. I was okay when I knew that she likes me.
     Two months flew by, quickly as we stand. I always wonder if what we're doing is actually what people called "dating." I'm always not sure, but when I see Rina smiling. I thought, "Ah, it's okay. If she's happy, then it's fine."
     However, sometimes, I questioned myself if I like her.
     I like her company, I like it when she talks to me, I like the way she perceives the world, but I don't think it's the same as her kind of like.
     Irina Belle Bookman. What kind of girl is she?
     Well, if we're talking about flowers, I think she's similar to a Mimosa Pudica. In Latin, it means, shy, bashful, and sensitive.
     I do think Rina is delicate.
     Her complexion seems like porcelain for a tall person. I also find her glow attractive in a different way.
     I began to remember.
     On that day, a soaring snowy girl came to our classroom, that was the first time I met her, and she was Irina Bookman— but I didn't know her name yet. I never anticipated that a girl like her will march in our room.
    My first impression. "Ah, she's one of those types of girls. Those who have poor language skills. What's a girl like her doing here? Ah, she's shivering... Her face is reddening..."
     It was easy to see when her skin is white as fresh snow— I do think it's similar. Then, I hear noises, laughs to be specific. And they were all coming from behind the door.
     Leading Clues: Sneering females and an unfamiliar girl coming to our room, who is delicate as glass— she was about to break.
     I don't like how they laughed, and her situation became clear.
     Conclusion: She's being intimidated.
     It was proven when she made that confession.
     "There they go again," I thought— catching sight of their unpleasant faces. My friends weren't that different from them, however, I know as much that they weren't doing this for amusement. These idiots don't have anything to do.
     But when I heard those noises coming from her side, I glanced at her, to see how she was doing, and you don't know what expression she made, I was taken aback.
     I can't leave her.
     "Okay, I will go out with you."
     My words spurted out for a moment.
     Her facial expression changed again, once again, it startled me.
     I didn't know how I felt, but my chest was pounding— it must've been scared.
     After that, I began looking at Rina. I don't know if how I look at my girlfriend is the same thing how she looks at me. But I am certain that it's not.
     I always get uncomfortable if Rina looks at me as some kind of Prince Charming or something, 'cause I ain't one. I'm just a person who's trying to make minimum mistakes, but his not perfect. I'm still a young boy.
     This uncomfortable feeling always appears if someone's looking at me bigger than my own picture.
     Showing that they are expecting something from me is fine, but judging me without knowing anything about me, annoys me.
     Then, again, even though, I knew that Rina doesn't know anything about me, I don't know anything about herself— except that she loves books. It was embarrassing to say that I didn't even know her name before.
     "What is your name?"
     I remembered her dumbfounded face. Her smile was sad, I regretted that.
     I wonder if I am capable enough to hold into this kind of relationship. Holding hands was also difficult. We can't do it in front of a lot of people.
     I'm not sure if I can discuss these things to my friends, because they'll pester, especially, Jude and Sidney. Unfortunately, Sidney sees me as a leaky basket. Even though I'm good at hiding, he always finds me.
     Jude, on the other hand, is my pesky younger brother, who often uses his free time to irritate me. But because of that, I found Rina a bit naive. It's fun to tease her sometimes. And going to the library was very entertaining, surprisingly.
     I go to the library to study sometimes, with my friends, my brother, or just by myself. But I never define, going to the library as "fun," but I guess it is a relaxing place because you can hear your thoughts clearly.
     I often study when Rina suggested going to the library, sometimes, she didn't. Yet I kind of already knew that she wants to go there— she was showing it on her face.
     She reads a book, and I'll study.
     She reads a book, and I'll do my homework.
     She reads a book, and I'll read a book.
     She often reads.
     She rarely does her homework here and study. She just reads a book, and her expressions were very obvious when she reads.
     At times, she smiles.
     The next one, annoyed.
     Occasionally, she cries.
     Sometimes, she murmurs to herself.
     When I call her out, she gets flustered. Her face gets definitely red.
     Holding her hand was also easier. I didn't hate it.
     My cheeks were getting warmer. It was strange.
     But I think it's good. Well, it's better than seeing her pale face. I already noticed that her classmates were oppressing her, so, maybe, this relationship between us can make her feel good like how books can brighten up her mood.
     Moreover, there was the time when we watched the baseball club play, we sat on a bench and chatted a little.
     Rina was assertive, I just smiled.
     "How about the school festival? We can spend our time together while trying different kinds of booths?"
     Then, she began asking questions over and over.
     I didn't know that she was this inquisitive. But I don't mind staying with a person like that if she's Rina.
     She is a safe answer.
     But life is full of surprises, however, I didn't expect to see Rina in grief on the same day after we made our promises.
     Her cries were a different kind of cry. She was hiding her face, she told me to not look because it's ugly. I stayed quiet, but I never thought it was ugly. Her tears were tears of a girl— that's all I know. She seems like so much in pain that I don't know what to say to her.
     Even though she was covered with snot and tears, she was still nervous around me. I hope there will be a time where she can talk to me without getting all tense up. I thought that would be nice.
      Her knees back then were scratched and bleeding. I don't know if mending her wound with my handkerchief is enough to make her feel okay.
     However, she was smiling, it was warm. Although she was all messed up— it's fine, I don't mind.
     "I really like you, Julian."
     "That's why... let's break up..."
     There were tears, and a smile drawn on her pastel face.
     I don't know how to react, until now, I haven't found an answer.
     There are times, I go to the library, alone. I often see Rina, reading behind the shelves. But I do not approach her.
     Why?
     Answer: I don't know.
    When I go to the library, sometimes, my mind talks to me and asks me questions:
     Why didn't you approach her? At least, you could say, "Hi".
     There's no need for that.
     Why is that? Is it because of what you've done?
     There is that, but you know that is not the answer.
     But I want to hear it from my own mouth. Do you still like her?
    We both know that we don't know.
     That's true. Why did you go out with her then?
     It's complicated.
    Why is it complicated?
     I don't want to answer. There was no answer yet. My own consciousness annoys me.
     Knowing the fact that Rina still likes me doesn't bother me.
     I really didn't mind at all.
     Nevertheless, it still troubling, to think that I was okay with it, is somehow wrong.
     I am not giving her an answer, but I don't know what to answer.
     If she didn't break with you, will you continue to date her?
     There goes my mind again.
     If it is her, I don't mind going out with her.
     Then, how about you make a move now?
     Excuse me???