9/10/18

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My mind is at war.

One part is saying:

"You made a conscious descision last November to do everything you could to recover.  Don't be a hypocrite, you can't kill youself without knowing you tried absolutely everything. You've been fighting for nearly a year to get to this point, this is what you wanted. Someone is actually offering you the help and treatment you want and you have to take them up on the offer. It's a no brainer. You're making it out to be more difficult then it will be."

The other part of me is saying this:

"You're a weak, pathetic, coward. You won't be able to cope if you go through with it. Start bringing up memories and feelings of the past and you won't be able to deal with it. You've barely made it this far. You've planned to kill yourself three times this month, started drinking  alcohol again and can't go a day without a panic attack. If you start digging into the past more you're not gonna make it through. You're not just on the edge of a cliff, you're hanging off the edge with one finger holding you there. There's too much risk involved and you won't survive it."

I don't know what side to believe.

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