My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

30/12/18

So I did end up having coffee with that old friend and we got on like we always did, we talked and that was pretty much it. I was very aware that they kept looking at my self harm scars, but everyone stares at them, it's become normal for people to stare at them. What I predicted would happen happened. Since Friday we haven't talked and I doubt they'll ever message me, not unless I message them.

Today though has been very mixed. Today I turned twenty, two decades old, I spent the start of it crying and wanting to die at 1am this morning. Then one of the girls from the hospital I was in called me and we talked for half an hour. It was nice to talk to someone. When I woke up I got ready, went into town and spent some of the money I got for my birthday and Christmas. I brought a bunch of new skin care products because I'm very fascinated by it and skin care is important to me. I then came home and did an Instagram live (@robindreamcatcher), it was nice to talk to people considering I'm spending my birthday alone. It was after I ordered pizza that my day got ruined.

My day was ruined because yesterday I sent my Father a message on Facebook.

Why did I do it?
For six years all anyone has said to me, when the subject of my Father is brought up, is that I should reconnect with him. They tell me that because he's my Father that he loves me and I should have him in my life. I find this way of thinking so stupid. Just because this man is half of the reason why I was born does not mean he loves me. Also just because he's my Father doesn't mean that having him my life is automatically a good thing, this is the man that abandoned me in the care of my abusive Mother when I was five. He's the man that lied to me my entire life, made me feel like I wasn't good enough and triggered the start of my Mental Health issues. Yeah, what he did isn't as bad as what my Mother and Step Father have done and I may have forgiven him but that doesn't mean I want him in my life. No one would tell me to reconnect with my emotionally abusive ex Luke, but somehow it's different because he's my Father. He never even raised me, he left when I was five, he's never been a father figure to me.

I was not planning on ever speaking or contacting him ever again. However my sister and brother have decided to play some sick game of Chinese whispers about my Mental Health, so my Father now knows about some of the stuff that has happened this year. That obviously gave him the stupid idea to write the card to me and so I decided to write him a message, just so we were on the same page. That page being that I don't want a relationship with him, don't want him back in my life in anyway shape or form and it was also closure for me. Considering the subject matter it was never gonna be a nice message, but it was truthful. I thought it was a very good message considering. Apparently my Father didn't like my little truth bomb and told my sister that I was mean, nasty and a horrible person. So my sister is angry at me and not talking to me. I really don't know why she was expecting me to play happy families with him, I've made it very clear over the years that I have no intention of 'fixing' things with him. There's nothing to fix, I don't want someone like him in my life. I'm very glad he's not in my life and I'm working on doing the same with my Mother and Step Father. I shouldn't have to keep abusive people in my life just because they're family.

Happy birthday to me though, congrats on getting more people to hate me for being me and trying to do the right thing.