My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

24/6/19

Last night I refused to go to sleep, I didn't want today to happen. Unfortunately I can't stop time and I had to attend court. I was scared, nervous and nauseous; however I got through it. I was expecting the worst, whilst also hoping for the best. In the end neither happened. Firstly we were late because one of the health care assistants took us to the wrong court, which meant we had to wait four hours to go into court. When we got there I spoke to my solicitor who told me what was going to happen and what I had to do. Walking into the court room didn't and still doesn't feel real, it's almost as if it was all a dream. It did happen though. The room isn't like what you see in TV, it's just a small room but when I walked in I had to enter into a box separate to everyone else. When told to I said my name, date of birth, address and then my plea of not guilty. As I pleaded not guilty the judge, my solicitor and the prosecutor discussed what would happen next. Due to the fact that my defence is that I blacked out from dissociation and therefore was not conscious of my actions I have to be assessed by a mental health expert. After I have been assessed the prosecution will then decide if they want to take the case to trial or drop it. I'm hopeful that they will just drop the case because of how silly it is. Honestly it should have never got this far, it's a waste of everyone's time and money. It's making my mental health worse and no good is coming from it. What annoys me more is how they pressure you to plead guilty. They practically bribe you with less severe sentencing to plead guilty because it's easier for them. I'm not pleading guilty to something I did not do and I hate that they are making me doubt myself. If I'm convicted that's on my permanent record forever, why would I want that for a crime I'm not guilty of?

After court I went to my SCM therapy. We were talking about change. In view of the fact that I want to report my Step Father to the police we talked about the pros and cons of reporting the assault. It did help and it has made me more certain that I want to do this.

I was going to run away again to kill myself; however my SCM practitioner said if I ran away the hospital wouldn't let me go to next week's session so I decided not to abscond from hospital. I'm glad I didn't because today the hospital staff have been told off by police. Police officers have been on the ward on account of how many patients keep getting reported missing. As the patients here are high risk when they go missing it takes a lot of police time away from their jobs to look for the missing person. Admittedly I have been one of those missing patients a few times and I feel very guilty about it now. Nevertheless this hasn't changed my mind about ending it, I'm just gonna find a way to do it without wasting police time.