My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

20/11/18

There is so much going on in my head at the moment, so much that even trying to write it down is hard. I don't know where to start or how to explain. Maybe we start with something easy first? I guess I've been feeling a lot of anxiety and dysphoria because I have had to go shopping for jeans. I know to most that probably doesn't sound that bad but shopping has always been hard for me and espically now with my body dysphoria. I decided to buy one pair of 'womans' jeans and one pair of 'mens' jeans. First of all I always have to go up a size in 'womans' jeans to try and fit my long legs, which then makes me feel bigger then I am because I end up buying a size 12 or 14 (uk size) when my waist is smaller. I still ended up buying the wrong size. Then I had to work out what my size was in 'mens' jeans, which meant going back and forth to the changing rooms. I try and avoid mirrors at all cost when I'm not feeling confident in my body, so those massive mirrors and having to try on multiple sizes of jeans really didn't help. Plus I had to go to the womens changing rooms. Eventually I called it a day, paid and went home. It's weird because I barely recognised the person in the mirror, it took me a second to realise that it was me.

I'm also really anxious about this weekend. I'm seeing my counsellor again and I'm not sure how that's gonna go since the last time I saw him I said I was gonna kill myself. I still really do want to kill myself but I'm very numb at the moment so I don't really know what I'm doing. Normally when I'm this numb I just follow routine, but the last 3 weekends I've tried to kill myself. Now it feels like that's routine and I have to do it. Then there is the fact my parents are coming over on Sunday and are gonna make me spend the day with them. They're just gonna stress me out and make me feel worse about myself, I really don't need that right now. I'm so burnt out right now and being so numb makes me not really care and no one else cares so why should I?

It just feels like no one ever cares about me. Mandy doesn't message me and when she does it's excuses about why she has been absent or making me out to be the problem. Others are obsessed with trying to fix me and Georgina just uses me to practise her psychology. I literally have no one in my life.