I don't think recovery is possible anymore. My counsellor say that I have to accept that I will never know why my parents split up or why my Father left. I have to accept that a lot of bad things happened to me. I understand why he thinks that. If I don't like my life then I have to change it, but if I'm not gonna change it I have to accept how it is now. However, I don't want to accept it. I've been holding onto that hatred, anger and fustration for so long that it feels like it's a part of me. I don't know who I am without them. The past year and a half I've questioned everything about myself, I started over and now I have to do it again. I refuse. If I start from new again then everything I've worked on since August 2017 was a waste of time.
Also there really isn't any point in starting again. I'm never gonna be happy so why try again just to end up back here in another year? Am I supposed to create a new self every year till I die? My ideal self is so unrealistic that I'll never achieve it, so what's the point in trying? I want a whole new life where I have no recollection of my past. The past is what makes you but that's what is making me so unhappy. I want a new or completely different past to make the person I want to be. It feels like I've reached a dead end and the only way out of it is backwards.
I should just kill myself.
Maybe I'm meant to die this year and at least I know I tried to live.
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My Journey To Normality (Part 2)
Short Story•This is a story based on true events about someone who is on their journey to recovery from mental illness. Their questioning of gender and sexuality. Going through relationships and break ups. Just an all about coming of age story of a person that...
