23/12/18

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Happy Christmas Eve Eve. I was hoping to be dead by now but it looks like I'll be alive for Christmas unfortunately. The reason I haven't killed myself yet is because work keep calling me in on my days off. I don't attempt to kill myself if I'm working the next day because I feel bad and guilty leaving them a worker down. When I used to be team leader people not turning up to work or being off was so stressful. You'd have to do all their jobs and your own in the same amount of time and I couldn't put someone else through that. Plus if I failed I'd either have to call in sick or turn up to work very tired, because most times you're in A&E all night and in the worst mood. So for the sake of myself and others I only attempt to kill myself on days where I'm not scheduled to work the next day, giving people at least 24 hours to find my body and let people know.

This does mean that tomorrow I'll be going back to my home town and spending Christmas with my parents. I just have this awful feeling about it, like something really big and really bad is gonna happen. My next day off is the day after Boxing Day, not including Christmas. So I guess I'm gonna move my suicide plan to Wednesday night and failing that my next day off after Thursday is my birthday.

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