My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

9/4/19

Even though I'm still really struggling and still want to die I'm trying to hang in there. My team leader training starts on the first of May and will take three months, I don't want to mess this opportunity up by being in hospital. Therefore, for now I'm gonna struggle through and see where I'm at after my training is done, maybe by then my therapy will have started. I'm just gonna have to take it day by day and force myself to not get into another crisis, it's hard though because I just keep thinking none of this will matter if I'm dead. Death just seems so much easier. I just can't afford to fail another attempt and end up back in hospital right now. I can tell myself I won't fail but experience tells me otherwise, I'm either really bad at killing myself or I have a very dedicated guardian angel looking out for me. Why I'm meant to be alive I don't know, I wish I knew because then maybe I'd want to live but life doesn't work like that unfortunately. We'll just have to wait and see what happens I guess.

I'm really nervous about starting treatment, I'll hopefully get a letter telling me when it's gonna start soon. I just keep thinking what if it doesn't work? What if this is who I am and nothing can change that? What if I never stop wanting to die? I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. Plus I don't have much faith in the Mental Health services anymore.
When you suffer with mental illness it's like your life is a cliff that you have to climb up. Most people drive up in their fast cars on a smooth road, but you've got to climb a steep cliff face with no rope and rapid waters crashing into sharp rocks below. It's a struggle and it's exhausting and many times you've wanted to give up or you've slipped back down, but you keep on climbing. Then you reach the top and you can't quite pull yourself over the top to safety, so you ask for help. That help being the Mental Health services.
Trying to get help from the Mental Health services is like this: You're hanging onto that cliff edge and there's someone standing over you, instead of helping you over the edge they just watch as you slowly lose your grip. Right at the last moment, before you fall, they take your hand and start pulling you up. You're filled with relief, hope and encouragement...till they let go. They tell everyone that they tried to help you, they did all they could, but in the end they couldn't stop you falling. They say it's your fault you fell because you should have never been on the cliff on the first place, you should of taken the road up instead. Even though if you had the choice you would have taken the easy path, not nearly kill yourself climbing a deadly cliff face. So you fall to the rocks below and it's just luck whether or not you die or someone saves you. If you live it's normally because the police or paramedics have pulled you out of the waters, but the only way to safety is to climb the cliff again and get over the edge. So you do climb and again the mental health services play their game of pretending to help just to watch you fall. What choice do you have though? So you survive the fall, climb the cliff over and over again. At the top you don't want to take their help because you don't want them to drop you as they have done repeatably, but you have to if you even stand a chance of getting to safety. You just have to hope that this time they'll be bored of watching you fall and finally pull you over, so that you can walk off the cliff completely and start your life. Some people can climb the cliff and get over the edge on their own and all it takes is time, but for some like me we have to put our lives in the fate of people that just keep letting us fall and blaming it on us. It's so frustrating, espically as you don't know whether or not your next fall might be your last. What if no one pulls you out of the water this time? There are many people who have fallen prey to the sharp rocks that break the fall and had no one to help them out. It's scary thinking it could be you next, even after you did everything you could to get to safety.

It's scary thinking that if I do kill myself people might think I just gave up, but there is so much more to the story then that. That's why I write all my experiences and my journey down, this is my legacy. When I die I want people to know everything that led up to my death. I want people to know the truth, the bad the good the everything. Suicide is not someone who was feeling sad for a while and decided to take the easy way out and give up. I think it's important for people to know that, not just to break the stigma around the subject but also to honour everyone who has ever killed themselves or tried too.