My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

21/6/19

Everything just keeps escalating, it's one thing after another. I've ran away from hospital another three times since the time I got arrested. The first time I walked home, stopping at every shop to buy alcohol till I was completely wasted. Police brought me back and for a few days I wasn't allowed to leave hospital grounds. However I managed to convince the nurse in charge to trust me enough to give me my leave back. So after going out a few times and returning I had gained enough trust for them to let me have all day leave again. I wasn't planning on returning when I left the hospital on Monday, instead I was planning to hang myself. I waited till dark and then got it all ready. Just when I was ready police turned up again, I refused to return to hospital with them so they put me on my fifth 136 section. While I was detained in the 136 suite my consultant came to see me. He asked me to come back onto the ward voluntarily but I refused. I didn't want to be safe and I didn't think they would section me because they never have before. I was wrong. They have detained me to the hospital on a section two, which means they can keep me in hospital for up to twenty eight days under the Mental Health Act of 1983. I don't want to be in hospital, I just want to end it all, so I ran away again. I didn't get very far before staff sent out a search party to bring me back. To say I'm struggling is an understatement.

They keep blaming everything on the fact that my court date is coming up, it's only in a few days now. I'm terrified, I'm thinking and expecting the worst. This whole experience of being arrested and charged with assault has made me really think about reporting the sexual and physical assault that I went through. I've always thought about reporting it but something has always stopped me. That fact that it's been on my mind for so long though makes me believe that it is something I want and maybe need to do. It's eating me up inside and I think I need to tell my truth. I don't want it to be just in my mind and memory anymore, I can't deal with it on my own. I have to accept though that if I do report it there is a chance that nothing will happen. The case could just not be taken forward because it was so long ago, if it does he might not get charged or if he does he still might be found innocent. If I'm gonna report what happened I have to be ready to not only tell people what happened out loud but I also need to be ready for the fact that I might not get the outcome I want. Even so I think that I need this to have closure and take back control of my body and mind.