My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

19/3/19

Yesterday was one of those days I like to call eventful. I woke up thinking my doctors appointment wasn't till 10:40am when actually it was 10:20am. I ran to the doctors and the receptionist was super rude. I finally got into see the doctor and he told me that I had to book an appointment with another doctor. He said that it would be better to have everything handled by one doctor, I think he just didn't want to deal with the paper work so he's pawning the work onto someone else. So now I've got to wait another two weeks to see a different doctor.

I got home to find a letter waiting for me from then planned care and recovery team that I'm under. They've booked me in to see them in a month, apparently it's because I've been referred there even though I've been under their care for ages and have already had multiple assessments with them. So that confused me. It's with a consultant this time, which worries me, why do they want me to come in again? I rang the team up, not because of the letter but because the crisis team said if I felt like I was getting worse I could. One of the duty nurses rang me back and talked to me, she was very lovely and gave me some techniques to use when I'm feel anxious and also booked me into see the team face to face on Wednesday.

After all this I decided to do something I miss doing and have been meaning to do for a while, a photoshoot. I did the photoshoot and spent the rest of the day editing the photos. Some of the photos didn't come out as I planned but I think they came out really well anyway. I'm actually really proud of how some of them turned out. The editing of all the photos took me about seven hours so when I finished I just went to bed. I could hear Jade telling me that I was just being a coward for not going through with my plan to kill myself but I was too tired to care about her.

Today though is harder, I don't have any editing to do or photoshoot ideas to distract me. I'm left alone with all these thoughts inside my head. There may not be any voices in my head today but I'm getting in my own head. I keep thinking why do I have to have so many things to deal with? Why can't I just have one problem to deal with? Why did I get lumped with all of this? Dealing with just one of the issues I have is hard enough, how do you deal with all of them? They all feed off eachother so much that it's become this one massive problem that can't be untangled. Every time I make one step forward two new things are piled onto my list of problems and I can't deal with it all.

It's hard enough questioning your sexuality and then having to deal with everything that comes with being gay, yes even in the current year. Then to also be transgender, not even binary but non-binary. Having to deal with all the hate for being trans, the hate for being non-binary, having to explain what it means while dealing with the knowledge that you'll never be gendered correctly and having to deal with body and gender dysphoria. Being dyslexic and having a physical disability that causes chronic pain everywhere. That's not even touching on the mental health bits.
Borderline personality disorder is a whole other thing to try and cope with. That BPD then lends its hand into depression, that causes problems with eating, sleeping, suicidal thoughts and self harm. It doesn't stop there, I've got OCD and PTSD and now voices in my head. I don't even have family or friends to support while I'm being overwhelmed with all of this because they're either people who have abused me or want nothing to do with me. Finally to top it all off its the knowledge that most of these things will never go away and they'll be part of my life forever. There is no cure, just symptom management and that just doesn't seem worth it.

I just can't deal with all this. It's best for me, my sister and everyone else if I just end my journey here and say goodbye.