24/11/18

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I went to my counselling session today and you could tell that my counsellor wasn't really there, he seemed very distracted and off. A few weeks ago at the crisis cafe the guy I talked to said that it might be beneficial for me to let my counsellor lead the session, rather then me. You see in the week leading up to my next session I always plan out what I'm gonna say so, then it makes it easier for me to avoid certain topics and not open up as much as I could. However my counsellor didn't want to do that and was happy for me to keep leading. He really is a great counsellor and I've overcome a lot with him, nevertheless I think that he's helped me as much as he can. I'm not making anymore progress and I feel like we're a bit stuck as to where we explore next in our sessions. Honestly I feel the worst I've ever felt and I just feel like I'm going backwards, that all the progress I've made in the last few months has been for nothing. He told me that I should use my skills in being a carer and protector for other people and apply them to myself, but I don't know how. I care for other people because I see how amazing they are and all their great qualities. Everything I see in myself is either horrible, pathetic or nothing of note. I don't see a reason why my life should matter. Death just seems like the easiest and best way forward.

I think this is the end for me.

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