My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

30/4/19

I always feel so pathetic whenever I get asked what friends and family I have and my answer is none. I have my sister but she doesn't take me seriously, she thinks the abuse I sustained from my Mother and Step Father is a joke. She just thinks I'm being dramatic and hateful. I don't understand how every relationship I get in falls apart. I just try to be a good person and help people however I can and somehow that always ends up in the relationship ending. I'm so alone, I just want someone in my life that cares for me as much as I care for others. I would do anything for the people I care about, but it seems like I'm the only one like that.

It just seems like all my relationships are doomed because that's how it's always been. My Father left when I was five and then for another eight years just lied to me. My Step Mother filled his head with lies till I had enough and walked away from them. I haven't seen my Father or my youngest sister in seven years. My Mother is an emotionally abusive, manipulative person who I've been trying to get away from for years. My Step Father is physically and sexually abusive and both of them abuse alcohol. Then there was Luke who was emotionally abusive. Most of my friendships ended because either they only cared about themselves or they didn't want to handle having a mentally ill friend. Others just used me or just cared about me so little that they just don't message me and therefore we've lost touch. I used to message loads of people but I realised that if I didn't message them they would never find the time to even said me a message saying "hey". I can't be bothered putting energy into one sided relationships anymore, I'm the only one getting hurt so it's not worth it. The best relationship I've had was with Poppy who dumped me on Christmas Eve over a text.

People talk about support being one of the most important pieces in recovery, yet no one actually what's to deal with everything that comes with a friend recovering from a mental illness. I find it so hard to find a balance with people, I want to have someone to talk to about things but either they tell me I'm selfish for talking about myself or they don't understand and therefore don't know how to react. I guess I understand, it just sucks that I have to go through this alone and makes things so much harder. I don't have a social life, I'm completely isolated, I have no one to get me out of the flat or to distract me. The only positive I can take from this is at least by being alone I don't have to deal with relationships going wrong because having to cope with that on top of everything would be more then too much.

Sometimes I do wonder though, if people I know in real life read this. Then I think that they can't because if they did then why haven't they reached out to me? How could someone who knows me read about how much I'm struggling with everything and not try to help me in some way? I want to believe in the good in people but they make it so hard too. Maybe my expectations are too high but I've been let down so many times that I'm not just gonna trust anybody.