•This is a story based on true events about someone who is on their journey to recovery from mental illness. Their questioning of gender and sexuality. Going through relationships and break ups. Just an all about coming of age story of a person that...
All week I've been dreading today's counselling session. Playing every possibility out in my head over and over again. However it went so much better then I could have ever expected.
Basically the new treatment or approach my counsellor wanted to start was talking about the things that I have avoided talking about. This is a very scary thing to me because that would mean talking about the worst experiences of my life. Even so I was willing to give it a go because the aim is to find the cause to some of the symptoms of my bpd and change my perception and way I react to those events. This would then hopefully lessen some of the symptoms because he knows I'm very unhappy with how I can't control my emotions and how quickly they change.
Today we talked about my sexual abuse. It's something I don't talk about to anyone. The only time I've ever said what happened is in this journal. I didn't tell my counsellor what happened because I didn't need to, he didn't need to know the details. I don't think I even said I was talking about abuse, I just said how it made me feel and how I reacted to it. I told him how I thought it was my fault, that I could have and should have stopped it. I told him how I was scared of finding out that he knew what he was doing because as far as I know he was drunk and has no recollection of it.
Now though I know that it wasn't my fault. He asked me who was to blame if I hurt someone while drunk, obviously I said me. I realised right then that if I was to blame for my actions then my Step Father is to blame for his. He also made me realise that my drinking was a way to try and understand my Step Father and Mother. That the reason I had been drinking so much this week was because to deal with the anxiety of the new treatment I did something that was familiar to me and trying to get all the destructive behaviours out of my system before the session. He was definitely right because I feel great, I don't want to self harm or kill myself.
The last thing he made me realise was that I take responsibility for everyone else and their actions because that's all I know. I've been a carer to my Mother and Sister my whole life, all I know is how to care for other people. So next week I'm gonna try and care for myself.
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