My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

24/5/19

I've been thinking a lot about responsibility and choice. This may be my way of rationalising my irrational behaviour but it's also an interesting point of view, that I've been exploring. I am someone who doesn't believe in free will, I believe that our lives are planned out and every action we take was already predetermined for us. I believe this because I want to believe that God has a plan for me and there is a reason that all my suicide attempts fail and also because I don't want to take responsibility for those decisions. It's easier not to feel guilty or ashamed for things when they are out of your control. I also believe that we don't have free will because I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that people would actually chose to hurt people. I know this way of thinking may be controversial and many people will just think I'm dumb, but it's just what I believe in at the moment.

So this then got me thinking about suicide and how taking your own life may not be a choice. I've accepted that I am going to kill myself, maybe today or tomorrow or next week or next year. I will die by suicide or some sort of accident and I'm okay with that. I didn't chose to be born, or have the emotionally abusive parents I do. I didn't chose to be gay or transgender. I didn't chose to be physically and sexually abused and I didn't chose to have all the mental health issues that came with all that. I didn't chose for those mental health issues to cause suicidal thoughts so why is it a choice to act on them? Attempting suicide is horrible, beyond horrible, words cannot describe what a horrific and traumatic the experience is. Why in the world would I or anyone chose to put themselves through that? If I had the choice to wake up in the morning and not want to kill myself I would chose that. If I had the choice to have no mental health problems I would chose that. If I had the choice to be happy instead of sad, angry or fearful I would chose that. I can't chose that though, that is not my life as much as I would love it to be.

If suicide is a choice though... imagine what that person must be going through. To chose to go through something so horrible because they'd rather put themselves through that then continue living. If I get to make one choice in my life I'm glad it's one that ended my suffering. I don't regret what I've done today or yesterday or the day before or what I'll do tomorrow if I wake up. If a little more pain is what it takes to end all my pain then it's worth it. It's a choice between short term pain that means not having to be in pain ever again or long term pain that may not last forever. I don't think that's a choice anyone should have to make. That's why I like to believe that no matter what I do I will die at my time and in the way God intended, again maybe that's just me rationalising my behaviour so I don't feel so ashamed of what I've done. It is an interesting concept though.