My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

2/3/19

Yesterday I reached my third month clean of cutting. I would love to say I haven't self harmed at all in the last three months but I have attempted suicide, scratched my hand, binge drank, starved myself and bite my arms. However I'm not gonna let that undermine this achievement. One day I will my completely clean of all types of self harm, but cutting is the one I am most focused on. I became obsessed with it and it became an addiction. Three months feels like a very long time and it's actually taken me around a year to get to this milestone. I still struggle with urges, like how at the moment I keep wanting to cut my chest because of my body dysphoria. I know though that if I do cut myself again I'll regret it. The last time I cut myself it didn't have the same effect it use to, instead it made me feel worse. People self harm for different reason, for me though it was validation for my mental health, a pain that I could control and when I was feeling emotionally numb it was something I could feel.

A lot of people see self harm as attention seeking and don't understand how people can intentionally hurt themselves. I wish more people would realise that it's a coping mechanism, a harmful one but still a coping mechanism. When you cut yourself your body realises endorphins, which helps with pain and stress. Those endorphins can act as a short term realise for people suffering with mental illness. Exercise is a good way to get that same realise from endorphins and why being active is always recommend to people who suffer with anxiety, depression, stress, etc. It could also be a reason why self harm is so addiction. I didn't cut myself for very long before I started trying to stop but while I was cutting myself I was completely obsessed with it. I couldn't sleep unless I cut, I had to fill up an entire area of my body before I could stop that day, every day I would have to cut more and deeper. One night I covered my entire upper arm in a few minutes, after a few months around fifty percent of my body was covered in cuts and scars. I really wanted a tattoo and still do; however I want them on the arm I have all my scars. So I set myself a target, six months clean of cutting so everything can heal and I'll get a tattoo.

Stopping cutting was really hard and not acting on urges and impulses felt impossible. I started off small, taking it day by day. Even now being three months clean I still only set small goals. If I set my next milestone at six months I would probably relapse because that seems so long away, so I take it two weeks at a time. When I first started I just aimed to get through the day without cutting, I distracted myself and went to bed. One day clean, three days, one hundred hours, one week, two weeks, one month. Not gonna lie I relapsed a lot, nearly every time I reached a milestone I relapsed. The last few times I've relapsed though I regretted it, felt guilty and ashamed for giving into the urges and beat myself up for having to start all over again. Relapsing isn't something to beat yourself up over though, it's a common part of recovering from an addiction. When you've relied on something for so long, especially when it's something to help you cope with the struggles of mental health, it's not easy to let go of it. Unfortunately there's no other way but to go cold turkey when trying to stop self harming. Instead of beating yourself up for relapsing or thinking about relapsing celebrate making it so far. Even if you've gone a day then that's a day longer then you went yesterday and now try and go two days.

One day I will have completely lost count of how many months I'm clean of self harm because it won't be something I even think about. I know I will because I'm strong. I've survived so much that I know I can get through this. The first few months I was trying to stay clean I avoided going into shops I use to buy my knives from, I threw all my blades away and couldn't even trust myself with a drawing pin. After I finally managed to get to two months clean I challenged myself to go into that shop and resist the urge to buy knives and I did it. When I got the job I have now I went out and brought a box cutter for work. Buying the knives I used to use for self harming and using them for what they're actually made for felt so good. I can use knives, scissors, sharpeners and other things without worrying about acting on impulses. I am very proud of myself for getting this far, even if I relapse in the future it won't invalidate this accomplishment. It all started with the will to stop because I wanted a tattoo, but that will and determination has got me this far.

I know it's not easy but if you want to stop you can.