My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

17/5/19

I feel like in a lot of my relationships I give so much, but enough isn't given back and then that normally ends up in those relationships becoming toxic and myself getting hurt or abused. If the relationship isn't like that then it's normally because I feel like I take too much and so I feel like I'm hurting that person and push them away. Either way I always end up putting that other persons needs in front of mine and honestly I'm so tired of it. This might sound silly but I miss my relationship with Luke. Even though he was emotionally abusive to me for years he did love me. That's not excusing his behaviour, I'm just saying I miss having someone in my life who feels as strongly for me as I do for them. Unfortunately that love for me was possessive and that makes the whole thing even more confusing for me. If the one person who has ever loved me, as much as he did, ended up also being someone who treated me just as badly as people who don't love me at all then how do you get into a relationship that isn't abusive.

Let's take my sister as an example. I cared and protected her my entire life, the majority of what I do is for her. I am so guilt ridden about moving out to save my life and leaving her in the household of my parents that I have distressing, recurring dreams of them killing her. I would literally do anything for her ;however she doesn't care about me at all. She ignored me for two weeks and then out of the blue tells me I'm coming down to her town to meet up with her and our brother. She doesn't want me there because she wants to see me, she wants me there because she doesn't want to go alone. If she really wanted to see me then she wouldn't ignore me for long periods of time, till just to finally contact me when it benefits her in someway. She doesn't care that going back to that town will be really hard for me, as it's the town that I experienced all of my abuse in and the last time I was there I was in a coma after an overdose. She espically doesn't care that it's gonna cost me money I don't have to travel down there, but when it's my money it has no value. If I ask her to travel to see me she makes me buy her tickets because she doesn't want to pay for them, even though she works full time, pays no bills and lives with her parents. I pay for her tickets though and anything else she wants because to me the money isn't important, I just want to spend time with her. Unfortunately, that's not the same with my Sister. I told her that I don't have the money to spare for the dinner we're having with my brother and she will only pay for it if I pay her back. To her 10 pounds is worth more then spending time with her siblings that she doesn't see very often.

I don't know, maybe I'm just being overdramatic and over sensitive because I'm feeling particularly low at the moment. Plus you have the fact that the gender clinic contacted me today and the waiting list is FOUR years long. I doubt I'll be alive in a week let alone fourty two month. Then at work I may or may not be getting overwhelmed and paranoid that people are talking about me negatively behind my back. Then to top it off those urges are back and so strong that I just want to act on them.

I know that I'm gonna end up in a crisis situation again soon and to be frank I'm glad. Every day those impulses and urges get stronger and harder to control and every day I want them more and more to stop. The only way to get rid of them is to act on them and that either means I die or I don't die and they go away for a while. They always come back but it's worth it just to have some time without them. The longer I go without dealing with these impulses the worse my mood gets. At the moment I'm so sensitive to everything and too tired to pretend that I'm okay. I feel like I'm losing control again and I am yet to work out how to gain back control without it ending in me harming myself.