Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

The Power Of Goodbye

Peterborough Ontario, Canada
March 24, 1991

As I walk in through the curtains that surrounded the room, I see my mother laying on the bed and breathing really erratically. As if she can't catch her breath. Her eyes were open but she wasn't able to speak. She looked so different, so frail and off colour.

As soon as I saw her I couldn't contain the horrible pain in my chest. My heart was breaking and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Tears began to stream down my face and I found it hard to breathe. One of the nurses came over and brought a chair for me to sit down beside my mom. Chris helped me into the chair as I found it really hard to stand at this point.

I shakily reached for my mothers hand and held it and I could feel her trying to squeeze my hand. All I did was cry. I couldn't speak or say anything. The pain in my heart was so heavy and numbing, It was like I was watching this outside of my body.

Chris stood beside me still holding my hand then kneeled down to me and touched his forehead to my temple. He didn't say anything but just him being there was more than I could ask for.

I eventually was able to stop myself from crying long enough to say all the things I've ever wanted to say to her, as this would be the last time she would ever hear my voice.

It didn't take long before I felt her hand relax in mine. I look up at her and she took in one last breath and suddenly, there was nothing.

The room was silent, though there were so many people in the area with screaming children and patients being wheeled in from ambulances and with all that commotion going on, this room was completely silent and still. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. It was almost like the earth had stopped and there was only me in this room with my mom.

"Andrea... Andrea... we need to go,"

I could faintly hear my aunt saying something but it was like I couldn't move. I feel Chris helping me out of the chair and the next thing I know, I'm suddenly sitting in the rental car with Chris, staring blankly out the windshield.

"Andi...?"

I could hear Chris's soft comforting voice as I stare out the windshield. I feel him reach for my hand and lace his fingers through mine as he presses his lips to the back of my hand.

"Andi...?"

I slowly turn and look at him, his expression soft and comforting though his brow furrowed. His eyes, so blue, shone in the grey overcast light. He reaches over to me and brushes a stray curl that had escaped from my hair tie, out of my eyes.

"Your aunt gave me the directions to the funeral home... um... to make arrangements for your mom...she's going to meet us there..." He says, his voice breaking a little as he speaks.

"Ok..." I say quietly. He looks down and presses his lips to the back of my hand that he still held in his. I turn and look back out the windshield and suddenly, like I was punched in the chest as if the wind was knocked out of me, I start to feel like I can't breathe.

"What am I going to do...? What the fuck am I going to do...?"
"Baby..." Chris says to me as he pulls me into him.
"I don't... know... how I'm... supposed to live... without her..." I cry as Chris holds me and I sob into his chest. I sob so loudly you could hear me outside the car.

I cried like I've never cried before, loud and painful. My heart was broken and there wasn't anything anyone could do to fix it.