Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

Worse Dreams

Seattle Washington,
April 2, 1991

It was a week later and I was ready to go back home. I had made all of the arrangements for my mom and since there wasn't enough funds from her life insurance to cover funeral costs, I just had her cremated and wanted to take her home with me. My aunt was more than happy to take care of her things from her apartment since I only grabbed a few sentimental things to take back home with me. The main thing is that I wanted my mom with me. I know that may sound weird and morbid but I don't care. She's coming home to Seattle.

I was on my way to Pearson airport by greyhound as Chris left me enough money so that I could get back home. I told him not to worry and that I could find a way, but he insisted and made me promise to call him when I landed.

The whole way home, I was numb and heartbroken. I could feel the darkness looming over me, and at times I found it hard to breathe. I was able to keep myself calm enough on the plane thanks to my little friend Jack Daniels, but other than that, all I wanted was to go home and lay down in my own bed and never leave.

I arrive in Seattle later that night and as soon as I'm through customs, I grab my luggage and head to a payphone. I admit, it felt a little strange that I was carrying my mom with me but I was trying not to think about it or else I'd have a breakdown.

"Hi... yea I'm at the airport...ok... I love you too... k'bye," I say to Chris and hang up the phone to go wait for him outside. A short while later, I see Chris pull up in his pickup truck. He hops out and walks around the back to see me. He looked so good in his black button up shirt that he left unbuttoned with his leather jacket, his black baggy shorts and his Doc Martens. His hair flowing passed his shoulders, in the evening spring breeze revealing his silver hoop earrings that shone in the approaching moonlight.

"Hi..." He smiles at me as he walks up to me.
"Hey," I smile back. He places a kiss on my lips and then grabs my bags and puts them in the back of the cab.
"Wait no... not that one," I say as I stop him from picking up a small roller luggage bag.

"This one stays up front with me..." I say as I pick it up. He half smiles at me and places another kiss on my lips, and I walk to the passenger side and get in. He hops in the drivers side and looks at me as he reaches over and brushes a curl out of my face. I lean a little into his palm and close my eyes. His warm hand felt so good against my skin, I just wanted him to hold me and never let go.

"Ready...?" He asks sweetly , his voice so soothing.
"Yea..." I exhale as he slowly takes his hand away from me and turns the ignition. I look down at the luggage bag that sat between my feet and felt my chest become heavy again. I take in a deep breath and look out the windshield as we pull away from the curb.

•••

We arrive back at my apartment and Chris helps me in with my luggage. As he sets my bags down by the door, I take off my boots and hang up my jacket. I take the luggage bag that I had sitting in the truck with me and move it over to my bookshelf in the living room. I started to feel a little overwhelmed and so I just decided to leave it by the bookshelf. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that my mom... is... -

"Would you like a drink?" I ask as I walk into the kitchen and take myself out of my thoughts.
"Um... yea... sure," He says as he walks over to the kitchen door and leans against the frame.
I open up my fridge and take out the bottle of Jack and pour myself a glass with ice straight up. I then pour him his drink with the last can of Diet Coke over some ice and walk over to hand it to him.

"I hope I made it ok," I say as he takes a sip.
"It's perfect," He says and places a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and place my hand on his chest feeling his soft, warm bare skin through his open shirt. He then presses his lips to my forehead as I inhale the sweet scent of his cologne.  After a few moments, I pull away from him and quickly down my drink, then set it down on the table.
"Stay with me?" I ask as I look up at him and he offers me a half smile and nods. He takes a sip of his drink then sets it down on the table and I take his hand and lead him to my bedroom.

He takes off his jacket and sets it down on the chair by my dresser as I take off my shirt and toss it aside. I take of my jeans as he watches me with my back turned to him. I grab a hair tie off the side table and throw my hair up in a pony tail and I move over to my bed while he undresses, leaving only his black boxer shorts on as he watches me climb under the covers. He climbs in beside me and I snuggle into his chest while he draws me into his arms.

The feeling of his warmth next to me is so comforting, I want to stay in this bed with him forever. With my head laying on his chest, he softly plays with my dark hair, places a kiss on the top of my head, and for the first time in what seems like forever, I fall asleep listening to his heart beating as he holds me in his arms.

•••

"Mom... but I don't know what I'm going to do without you..."
"It'll be ok... you will be fine..."
"Mommy..."

Later that night I wake up abruptly opening my eyes to see the ceiling above me. I look over at Chris, laying on his stomach, his face buried in the pillow with his hair strewn across his face, sleeping so soundly.

I slowly sit up in bed and suddenly feel a punch in my chest, taking my breath away. Trying not to wake Chris, I softly cry as I pull the covers up to my chest.

"Baby...?" I hear Chris' sleepy voice and try to stop myself from crying.
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to wake you up..." I say through my tears. He turns and flips his hair out if his face, sits up beside me and draws me into him.
"It's ok... bad dream?" He asks still in his sleepy voice.

"Yes... no... I don't know... I... just... it hurts... it really hurts really bad..." I cry as he pulls me into his chest.
"I know baby..." He says as I sob into his chest. After a few moments, I gather myself a little bit move away from him a little as he wipes my tears from my cheeks.

"That dream was so... so real... like... like as if she was here, talking to me through my dream... it was like her voice was in my head... and she was asking me about... my aunt and my dad... but she was talking really fast but her mouth wasn't moving and... she touched my hand and was holding it like the way she would when I was little... all I could say was that... I don't know how to go on without her... it was so real... so, so real..." I explain a little frantically, still shaken by the dream and fearing that I sound like a lunatic. Chris looks at me and places his lips to my forehead.

"You think I'm crazy don't you?" I say as I close my eyes feeling his warm soft lips on my skin.
"No... No I don't think you're crazy at all," He says softly.

"I've had dreams like that too... right after Andy died I had one like that... not as intense as yours but along the same line... I'd even be walking down the street to meet you and I'd see him in a crowd of people... then I'd have to tell myself that he's gone... that it can't be him... so no I don't think you're crazy..." Chris says as he touches his forehead to mine. We stay that way for a little while as I close my eyes and just breathe, listening to the silence of the room.

"This feels like the worst heartbreak I've ever gone through... but a trillion times worse," I say quietly.
"I know baby... and that's completely normal... you'll feel like that for a while... and you'll probably question life and want to know everything about death.. and why we die... hell, I still feel that way..."

I move my forehead away from him and I wipe the rest of my tears from my eyes.

"I hate this... I want her back..." I say as I close my eyes but the tears just keep flowing.
"I know..." Chris says sadly. After a few moments he lays back and reaches for me and draws me into him. I lay my head down on his chest as he plays with my hair, soothing me.

"I wish I could take all this pain away... I love you so much Andi..." He says quietly as I listen to his heart beating and snuggle further into him.
"I love you too..." I say sadly as he just holds me in his arms and I slowly eventually fall back to sleep.