Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

I'm The Shape Of The Hole Inside Your Heart

Seattle Washington, March 8 1994

"Fuck, where the fuck is my.... " Chris trails off standing in his black baggy shorts and his calf high Doc Martens while he rummages through his dresser, looking for his "Thrasher" skate shirt, the one with the skull on the front.

"Andi...?" He calls.

"Yea...?" I say as I come out of our bathroom and turn off the light.

"Do you know where my Thrasher shirt is?" He says still looking through the drawer.

"Yea..." I say and walk over to the pile of freshly laundered clothes that sat on top of our bed and pull out his shirt.

"Thanks," He half smiles at me and I make my way over to my side of the room to finish getting ready myself.

Soundgarden was having a record release party for their new album, Superunknown, which released today and entered in on the billboard charts at number one. It was a huge first for Chris and the guys since that has never happened before with their previous albums. I am so proud of him, it's beyond words. The party was taking place at The Off Ramp Cafe and everyone was going to be there. Even Susan Silver, their manager, was going to be there. Chris and the guys worked hard on it, which is not to say they didn't with their previous records but this one took a while to record, for obvious reasons. One of them being that they were getting to know a new producer which took time for Chris especially to warm up and get to know Michael, the latter being... well...

It's been... how do I explain it? Weird, between Chris and I. For one thing, we haven't talked about what happened since the day he drove me home from the hospital and I had my breakdown. I mean I know it's hard for him and what I said to him that day most likely didn't help, so we just haven't said anything to each other about it.

But, it's not the same as it was before. We're not the same as before. Everything has changed. In one moment we went from being so in love to the point where we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, to just two people passing each other in the hallway of our house, who don't as much as say anything at all. And the stupid thing is, is that neither one of us is saying anything about it.

But that's what happens when you loose a child. The pain never really goes away, you just have to learn to live with it. The thing is, how do you go on with each other knowing that you can't make anything better for either of you? No matter how hard you try.

For weeks and weeks I didn't leave our bedroom or the bed for that matter. I can't remember since the days seemed to blend all together, but the only time I got up was to use the washroom and shower, if I happened to feel like showering. What made it even worse was that Chris started to hang out with the band even more so than he ever had before, and obviously he would sometimes just stay out as late as he could, but not long enough to make me worry. I know he would never cheat on me, he's not that type of guy. But it made me worry some nights, though he was just drinking with the guys.

I can't say that I blame him. I wouldn't want to be around me either in that state. I just knew that I didn't care about anything anymore and I just wanted to be alone, tucked away in a bottomless pit and never come out.

I'm still walking around with a hole in my heart that's always going to be there, I just have to learn to live with it. As hard as it is, I have to move on. I had to do it when I lost my mother, so I can do the same even though I lost my baby. Her room is still the same. I haven't walked into that room since the day I came home from the hospital without her. The door remains closed and it will stay that way until I'm ready, but right now I'm not.

As for Chris... I don't know how to get back to him. Deep down I think I still resent him for leaving me when he went on tour and for basically avoiding the fact I was going through such deep depression. It's not his fault, but I think I expected him to be there for me even though he was just as devastated about loosing Lily. I'm not making excuses for him, It's just so fucking complicated that we would rather avoid each other than talk about it.