Scars~Prinxiety

chapter five- virgil

TW: Panic attack, mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts

the first thing we did in first hour was the part of school that i hated the most. public speaking. the teacher had us stand up and say our name and one thing we liked. it was supposed to be a fun game. but (shockingly enough) it wasn't fun and it didn't help us get to know our classmates. the teacher called out for volunteers and the class suddenly became silent until someone shouted out, "i volunteer as tribute!" unsurprisingly, it was roman prince, one of the most annoyingly confident people i have ever met, who had also just so happened to be remy's brother. 

roman stood up with a confident smile plastered on his face. "hello, my name is roman prince, and i love disney movies!" he said in a confident tone as he sat back down with the same stupid smile plastered across his face. the next person was patton moore. i didn't know him very well but, he did have a lot of friends. 

"hi," he said in a sickeningly peppy tone, "my name is patton moore and i like cats!" patton said beaming and quickly sat back down.  the next person was a girl named heather, who got cut off by another girl named heather. i could have sworn that while the two were going i could hear someone singing, "heather, heather, and heather."

i counted down how many more people were going before me. the closer it got to me, the more my hands shook. when it got to three i knew that i couldn't do it. so because i am a fucking coward i asked the teacher for a hall pass and practically ran out of the room. 

i ran down the hall as the shaking spread to my entire body. my head was racing as i could hear the voice begin to talk.

idiot.

 i slowly found it harder and harder to breathe as i finally reached the closest bathroom. 

stupid 

i locked myself in a stall as tears began to stream down my face.

coward

my head began to pound.

you don't deserve to live

air refused to go to my lungs. 

selfish

the shaking increased.

failure

everything around me seemed to get darker. 

kill yourself

after what seemed like an eternity the tears stopped, and i was able to breathe again. i couldn't go back into the classroom. they'd all think i was a freak. they would be able to tell that i was crying. they would know how fucked up i was. i couldn't go back in there. not with that many people. they'd all think i was a freak. they'd all know i was a freak. they all knew i was a freak. "you're being ridiculous," i told myself, not because i thought that it was true. but because i had to go back there. i had to at least attempt to be a good student. 

i walked out of the stall and looked into a mirror. i examined my features, my dyed black hair because my naturally brown hair wasn't dark enough. the eyeshadow that was originally placed directly under my eyes was now smeared down my cheeks because of the tears that were flowing down my cheeks. i splashed water on my face and scrubbed the eyeshadow until there were no traces of it left. i glanced at the dark bags under my eyes for a moment until taking out the extra eyeshadow that i kept in the pocket of my hoodie. i re-applied it and took a deep breath.  i walked out of the bathroom and down the hall and then back into the classroom.