Scars~Prinxiety

chapter fourteen- virgil

TW: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicide

when danny left at about midnight, mainly because my mom would be home soon, i was left to my thoughts. which, is always a very dangerous thing.

the human mind is what kills people, whether they end up killing themselves or they killed other people, it was always a product of the human mind. i've always found it ironic that people say that the brain is the greatest tool that we can use. when in reality that same tool is what drives people to kill other people. but that's not the part everyone likes to focus on. the part that everyone likes to focus on is the fact that the human brain so complicated and shit. but that same complexity is what makes it so self-destructive. people wonder why so many kids are so self-destructive now more than ever. when in reality the human brain hasn't changed, nothing has changed except for the awareness that being self-destructive is a thing that a lot of people go through. more people than ever are talking about it now. the only reason there seem to be more people who want to die is because more people are talking about it. everyone seems to think that social media and shit is what is making kids suicidal but they've always wanted to hit their own self-destruct button, they just haven't had anywhere to talk about it.

i am self-destructive. my mom knows about it. she claims that she's trying to get me someone, but in reality, she knows she can't afford that shit. she tries so fucking hard to do anything she can that she just ends up making shit worse. she finds out that i want to die because she's never actually around to see me, so she leaves even more often so that she can get money to make me not want to die anymore when in reality that only leaves me wanting to die even more. i think most parents that give a damn about their kids are like that though. they find out about a thing that happened and because they rarely fully understand the situation they try to fix it and end up making things ten times worse than they were before.

i've tried to stop. being so self-destructive, because if i stop then my mom will no longer have to work so hard to get me a therapist and then might actually have time to be an actual mom. but, it's almost like i can't. i don't remember the last time i went a full 24 hours without trying to destroy myself. even as i drag the knife across my own skin, sure, it makes me feel better for about ten seconds, but i still can't help but remind myself that i have to stop. and instead of actually, stopping like a decent human being i punish myself because that's the selfish asshole i am.

and yet my mother continues to wonder why i am so goddamn convinced i deserve to die.

there are good people in the world.

i think that anyone can be a good person. or at least a decent one. if they actually tried.

yet i can't seem to even be a mediocre person.

i deserve to die.

i don't care what anyone else says. they're just saying that so they don't have my blood on their hands. we all know it.

they just continue to say it. just so that they feel better about themselves. and as they walk away from talking to me, they think to themselves, "hey i did a thing that a good person would do, so i must be a good person." and then they think that they are a good person, even if they were already a good person, or if they already knew that they were a good person. it just reinforces that sense of self-worth. like how when you do review on a project in school, you already know the thing you were studying, you just needed a reminder of it. but, nearly everything is like that.

like the constant reminder on my arms, and thighs, and stomach, and waist, and shoulders, and basically throughout my entire body that, i am a horrible person. that i really am a selfish asshole who doesn't care about anyone else but themselves.

it doesn't matter though. nothing really does. at least, nothing that has to do with me. i am just another living human being who does nothing to help the world around them and instead takes from it food, and materials. because that's all that i'm really good for. wasting things. wasting time, wasting space, wasting everything basically.

i really am a waste.