[the past] | completed

alone

*This is darker than normal*

   Lodge.

Why not use my last name? It shows who I truly am, right?

I've been judged for my last name for years- probably since I came out the womb.

Nobody bothers to look past it, or even try. Once they hear Lodge, they think, she's a bitch, or, she's overprivileged or even, she's a criminal-just like her parents.

I've heard it all before. And I can't help but agree with them- half the time, anyway.

Wow. I haven't even started crying, yet I'm already overthinking shit. I'm so fucked up in so many different ways, it's just unbelievable.

   I took as many deep breaths as I needed to calm myself down. I can't break— when I break, I can't be fixed.

   I splashed my water on my face and headed out the door with a fake smile and a dry face. So far so good.

   Cheryl and Toni saw me and waved me over with a sad smile. I gave them a short and blank look, then I heard music I just realized had been playing. Except it wasn't music- someone was singing.

   I looked to the stage and saw Betty singing her heart out to Ariana Grande. Then, when Betty slowly came to a finish, my heart was already beating fast enough, but Fp came on the stage and took the mic from Betty, clapping with the crowd.

   "Wow. I think that's the best aging I've ever heard!" It might not have seemed like a big deal to an outsider, or maybe not even to Cheryl or Toni, but that one sentence ripped my heart into even more pieces than I thought was possible.

   I've been ripped to pieces more times today than I can count. And that broke me. Jughead smiled and joined the new serpent queen on stage as he ate her face with his lips in front of all the serpents.

   Cheryl and Toni out a hand on me and I slapped it off with rage in my eyes.

   You got this Veronica. Back of your head, push this pain to the back of your head.

   "I don't think ya serpents could've asked for a better king and queen, huh?" The crowd erupted with cheers and I ran out of the wyrm.

   "Veronica!" "Don't, Cheryl. She needs to be alone right now."

   No, no I don't need to be alone! I don't want to be alone! I'm always alone, please just... don't leave me alone... don't leave me—

   I bursted inside my trailer, not caring if the scumbag that is sweet pea was there or not. Thankfully he wasn't, and I could crack my first ever tear in peace.

   I checked the trailer just to make sure no one was going to be a little asshole and jump out- at least sweet pea didn't mess up the trailer. I then locked the door when I saw I was alone.

   As I pushed my back against the door after locking the door, I felt my chin quiver, and I slid down the door, letting tears fall for the first time in years.

   As each tear fell, all the memories of the times I've cried before entered my mind again.

   I was left on the floor, crying my heart out, tearing my own heart up. I forgot the sensation of crying. It felt like a million pounds were being lifted off of your chest- but at the same time it was the most painful thing ever.

   I remembered the first time a blade touched my skin, the first time I made a deep cut because of the young boy by the name of jones.

   My abuelita has just died and my shoulder had been dislocated and popped back into place just the day before. I had relived the pain of feeling my bane slide back into place. The tears were still stained on my skin- unable to disappear from such an impact.