In Another Lifetime

A name

I didn't see what other choice I had. I wanted the memories. I never wanted to lose them. With the memories, there would sometimes be pain. But the pain just reminded me that it was real. He had been mine. He had loved me. He had wanted me to stay. I would have, if only I could have. But this was my reality. This was my unintentional life. I felt like I'd been born in the wrong place and time.

~♡~

I'd spent the weekend in my room, just like I'd planned. It didn't earn me any insight into what I was going to do. I was still confused. I knew it wouldn't be fair to try to make any life changing decisions when my mind was in such turmoil.

I'd called off work monday, enjoying my day home alone, since Jason was spending the day applying for jobs. I didn't hold out much hope that he would find anything anytime soon. He'd been out of work for quite awhile, and I was sure that didn't look good on job applications.

I spent the day doing housework, vacuuming, dusting, mopping the kitchen, scrubbing the counters. I cleaned the fridge, throwing away outdated food, and wiping the inside down. I made a grocery list as I did so, in order to replace things I used on a regular basis.

Once I was done downstairs, I went up and changed the sheets on the bed, then threw in a load of laundry. I dusted upstairs, and vacuumed, cleaning the bathroom, and checking for empty shampoo and body wash bottles. Somehow they seemed to accumulate, and never get thrown away.

Finally, I went into my happy room, running the vacuum, and dusting the surfaces. I rearranged my desk, just for something different, and then I sat on my loveseat to rest for a few minutes. My gaze automatically went to my wall.

I used to look up, and smile. Every time. Looking at Taehyung always brought me such happiness. Never anything but happiness. Now, when I looked, my heartbeat increased, and my breath hitched. I wasn't just looking at an image of someone I admired, and loved from a distance anymore. Now, I was looking at the face of a man I had a history with. I was looking at someone I'd been intimate with. I was looking at someone I couldn't stop thinking about.

It hadn't been like that before. I loved him, in a 'wow, he's so adorable, and talented, and holy cow his voice makes me melt' kind of way,  but I could get thru my day without thoughts of him invading my mind every second. I could function, take care of my day to day responsibilities, and not have him in my head constantly. It was after I had gotten thru my day, and came home to finally relax that I would disappear to this room, and let him help me find my calm, my oasis, my release from reality.

Now, I was having a hard time getting him out of my head at all. Now, every moment with him kept replaying. Every deep laugh, every boxy smile, every heated gaze. Every sultry whisper, every passionate kiss, every burning touch. Every breathy moan, every fierce thrust, every wave of incomparable ecstasy.

I couldn't stop the memories, they happened at any given moment throughout the day. But I didn't think I wanted to stop them. It was agonizing, but it was also comforting.

I heard Jason call for me from downstairs, and I looked at the clock, seeing that it was almost 4:30. I got up to go see how he'd made out with his job hunt, not expecting much, since it was his first day at it.

I reached the bottom of the stairs, a bit surprised to see a big smile on his face.

"It smells nice in here."

"Thanks. I've been cleaning all day."

He nodded. "So remember the warehouse job I told you about?"

"Yeah, the one down the road from the dealership. Did you apply?"

"I did, and I got hired on the spot. I've been at the drs office waiting for a drug test most of the day. I start tomorrow, $16.50 an hour, guaranteed 40 hour week, overtime optional, benefits, 401K, and possibility of a raise after 90 days."