In Another Lifetime

A letter

I pressed my lips together, tears filling my eyes, and I blinked a few times trying to blink them away, but they rolled freely down my cheeks. I finally smiled, because I was happy that he seemed to be doing well, and I wanted him to believe that I was okay. But my heart ached so much.

~♡~

It ached with need. I needed to be near him, to smell his scent, feel his arms around me. I needed to feel his warmth, taste his lips, touch his cheek. I needed to see his beautiful eyes looking at me, hear his voice in my ear, telling me that everything would be okay.

But would it? Would I ever stop loving him, wanting him? Should I even try?

He was still looking at me, but the song was about to end, and the others were starting up the catwalk, to the main stage where they would thank everyone and take a final bow.

His eyes were full of warmth as he stared right into mine, and I wished so much that I could hear his voice. But the crowd was too loud, and I could only read his lips, and let my memory fill in the sound of his voice.

"Thank you, for showing me."

I broke down into tears as he stood, looking at me one last time before turning and running up the catwalk to catch up to the others.

My hands came up to cover my face, and seconds later I felt Sadie's arms around me. I tried to calm myself, but I only ended up crying harder as she hugged me.

I felt like my reason for living was getting farther and farther away. But there was nothing I could do. I wasn't that 20 year old girl anymore. I had to accept that no matter how I felt, the time I'd had with him was all I would get.

"Laney," Sadie said near my ear. "I don't know whats going on, and I don't know how it could even be possible, but I know somehow, something happened. I get the feeling that they all know you. But I respect your decision if you don't want to tell me. I don't need to know what, but at least admit that I'm not imagining it."

I dropped my hands from my face, crossing my arms above hers, my hands holding onto my shoulders. I looked at her, teary eyed, and wondered if I should tell her.

"Laney, I'm here for you, and I'll keep being here for you. You're the coolest adult I know, and I know you think of me as a kid, but if you need someone to talk to, It'll stay between us. I promise."

She looked into my eyes, and as I looked back, I knew I could believe her. She would keep my secret. I still didn't know If I wanted to tell her, but I felt a little better knowing that I could trust her if I decided I needed to talk about it.

I nodded.

"Sadie, thank you, really. I'm fine. I'm just...overwhelmed. This whole night has been amazing. I'll think about it, okay? There is something, it's just...I don't know if I'm ready to share it. But If I do decide to, you will be the one I talk to. You made this night happen, and maybe I owe it to you to be completely honest with you, but this isn't something that's easy to talk about. I just need some time."

"Okay Laney. I respect that. Just know that I'm here. Don't forget it, okay?"

I hugged her, and we looked up at the stage, seeing them all lined up, hand in hand, about to take a bow.

I tried really hard to smile. I was happy. Happy that I'd gotten to see him again. Happy that he'd recognized me, even though I thought I didn't want him to. Happy that he seemed to be okay. Happy that his smile appeared genuine.

I was happy. So why did my heart hurt so much?

They bowed, and started off the stage, waving at everyone. Taehyung and Jimin were the last ones to leave the stage, and the two of them walked up to a camera, their faces appearing on the big screen, and they both smiled. Jimin mouthed 'I love you army', then Taehyung said something, but I was sure I couldn't have read his lips correctly.