A Fight With Depression

Missing Someone

You ever feel like that when someone close to you, or a family member dies, that they watch over you. But not like they just watch you from time to time... But like at all times of the day?

I'm betting that some of you, out there in life have at least lost 1 person in your life.

But what i am about to tell you, I don't tell most people, due to people thinking that I am crazy or something. So please don't laugh or call me a liar or an attention seeker. Because I am not, I wish i was lying tho, I hate this about myself...anyways; here we go.

It all started in 2008, well that's what I think caused most of it...But in 2008 my father was murdered my drunk grandfather. My father was shot in the chest with a hollow point bullet. I don't know if you guys know what those are, but these bullets are designed to do as much damage to the inside of the body as possible, not like the typical bullets where if you are shot it goes strait in strait out, these bullets literally tear your insides apart while it travels through the other side of your body, but most times it doesn't make it out so the bullet kinda breaks apart into small shards of medal.

Anyways...

My father died 10 years ago in 2008, but I think it started in late 2009. When I was little I was a little brat, so to say, I didn't believe in god, or anything ghostlike. Because I thought that god took my father from me, Because everyone kept telling me that my dad was in a better place, and this was all Gods Plan... But what they didn't know is that when he died, part of me did too... I grew up my whole life until the age of 8 in 2008, not knowing my dad, to be honest I barely even knew what the word dad meant...Every time my friends would get called to go inside by their father, I'd feel a little dead inside and a little jealous. Then early 2007 while at my Grandmas house, My dads mom... This really tall muscly guy showed up at our house, saying that he was my dad and how sorry he was for not being there for me, and from now on he'd be there for me. Those first few months were great I was in 2nd grade at the time, and was also still recovering from a inguinal hernia surgery I had had at the end of 1st grade. But my dad made sure to be there every step of the way.

Then everything went spiraling into a black hole, Christmas Eve 2008, it was like any other Christmas time, All but for the fact that it was my first Christmas with my father. It felt so good to finnaly say the word dad, to someone who was, my dad. But what I didn't know was that, that night everything would just get worse.

I was only 8 at the time, so by 10:00pm I was so tired, I could fall asleep standing up, so I went into the next room and fell asleep on the couch. I was awaken about 40ish minutes later to the sound of raised voices. One my mom, another my father and the third, my grandfather. I didn't think much of it at the time, but I did know I had to use the bathroom, so I got up off of the couch and walked to the bathroom, looking right at my dad, who locked eyes with me, he looked mad, until he saw me, he seemed so happy when he had looked at me. But that only lasted a second, as iwhen i had came back, I went back to the couch and fell back to sleep.

I was then woke up again, but this time it was by my grandpas Daughter, who also had my big sister by her side. I was pushed forward to the end of the house, I was in a daze, because I was just woken up from a deep sleep. We were in that room maybe 10-15 minutes, when it had happened, i didn't know what it was at first, but I noticed my sister next to me nearly jump and fall off of the bed because how loud the sound was. Then my grandpas daughter went out the door to look down the hall to see what had happened, and when she came back in, she had a horrified look on her face that didn't make any of us feel any better.

Then she told us to stay put while she called 911 and as told me and my sister stayed right where we were.

I think it took the police about 2 hours to get to our house. and when they did. Some of them had come to get us out of the bedroom, they took my sister and I to the front of the house, covering us with blankets and towels to not see the crime that lied ahead. But I was freaking out alittle bit, and I couldn't see where I was going, and I had noticed that they had put my dads Lettermen jacket in front of my face so I couldn't see, so I got the nerve to push it away, and what i saw has haunted me for 10 years. I saw a slight glimpse of my father laying on the floor with a red stain in his chest, and my mom holding a few rags on the wound adding pressure. But that's all i got to see as I was distracted when the door opened letting in the Idaho Winter air.