A Fight With Depression

What Next?

So after a long life of accepting that people won't necessarily help you unless you need it bad enough to the point to where you have a plan in motion for you own demise. 

You have found a few people who want nothing but to help you. It may seem like a joke to you, and it still might until that someone has given you enough to see that they aren't planning something to just turn around and shove it back in your face in a laughing fit.

But this time for the first time in your life. The person who want's to help you. They really do and won't give up no matter what you think or say.

Honestly it makes you feel like shit. Knowing that this person want's nothing but for you to succeed. But the whole time they've been trying. You've been rejecting their help, due to what people have done to you in the past.

I'd one day love to learn to trust people enough to believe their word when they say they want to help me. But as of right now I've put my trust in too many people as it is. And everyone I've ever put my trust into. They now either talk behind my back or aren't friends with me.

It's a hard life to live in when all you've lived through it the hurt and pain that other people cause. You get used to the hurt and pain caused by others. That after awhile it's all you expect from people. To do you harm. And to throw you under the bus or semi truck at the last second.

It's a hard life. But I believe with the effort I wake up with everyday. I can keep pushing these thoughts and feelings away. Thoughts of death. And feelings of not belonging or fitting in anywhere. These feelings are feelings that get people like me to give into their demons. Let them out to play. Hurting everyone around them until finally the demons have enough fun and end the life of the hurting soul.

I refuse to let my demons out! I refuse to let them gain control over me and hurt the ones who matter most to me. Even if I don't matter much to them. They mean the world to me. And if they ever get hurt while I'm in a rage. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself. 

"This is my time. My life flashing before my eyes. This is my time. My life telling me that this world must change! This is my choice. It may seem right but it's not. The choice to end my life. Will only put others in my shoes. This is my time. To change the world in my eyes. This is my time to help the hurt rise above. This is our time. To rise above them all. The ones who make fun of us. They'll all need to pay for what they've done to us. Putting us down! Its the last thing they'll do."