This Ends Here (✓)

13.

Makikita mo lang ang kaluluwa ng isang tao sa panahong pinakita niya ang lalim ng kalungkutan niya.

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Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kakaunting putik sa sapatos ko. Mahina kong ginalaw ang swing na inuupuan ko. Tahimik akong nakikinig kay Theo – habang ikinikwento niya ang kinwento na rin sa’kin ni Mark kanina.

Ayokong sabihing alam ko na. Gusto ko siyang pakinggan, makilala at maunawaan. Gusto kong malaman niyang nandito lang ako, makikinig kahit paulit-ulit.

I liked his smile and the way he makes me feel rainbows, and now I want to like him in gloom, too.

I like when he is at the best state, and now I want to like him at his worst, too.

“All my life, I know there’s something wrong in me. Alam mo ‘yun,” he said, and looked at me with those lost eyes – those eyes that used to yield joy is now incapable of its power. “And then I was sixteen, I caught the relatives I know back then, sharing stories about the past – I am not my dad’s son.”

Matatag ko siyang tiningnan. I want him to see that whatever he tells me, whatever he is, I still like him. I still would be here. I nodded to signal him to continue speaking – showing me his soul.

“And they saw that I was there, I’ve heard it all, so they have no choice but to tell me everything. Mom and Dad said they were sorry for keeping it all from me before. I sort of showed them that was fine for me ‘cause you know, I don’t have any other choice.”

Tumango ako, “Yeah.” I gave him a warm smile.

“I asked them about my biological father, they were first hesitant, but I managed to persuade them to tell me – kasi alam ko naman na anak ako sa labas, so at least I deserve the whole truth na.” Peke siyang ngumiti. “I was seventeen when my real father called, gusto raw ako makita. Guess how that brought me happiness?”

Mahina akong tumawa. “I bet umiyak ka ng patago,” biro ko.

Humalakhak siya. “Pa’nu mo nahulaan?”

Nagulat ko. “Seryoso ka ba?” Tumango siya. “Umiyak ka nga?”

“Oo nga,” he answered. “I went to my room, locked it and cried. Call it babyish but, you know, that made me really, really happy – being able to see my real dad. It’s like unfolding a mystery of your life.”

“And you went here suddenly?”

Tumango siya. “Yeah, I was very excited, and it was my first time here in PH. Akala ko masaya na, pero hindi pa pala. My real father’s family doesn’t like me,” peke ang tawa niyang sabi.

Naningkit ang mga mata ko. “They are your family, too.”

“Yeah, but they see me as that illegitimate son – a disgrace.”

Matagal bago ako nakasagot. “Theo, that’s fine. You can’t please everyone. And it’s not your duty anyway.”

“I know, and I tried to keep cool. They don’t like me? That’s fine, I would still be good. But they really push me away. They don’t want me to stay and study here, so I have no choice to be in Manila.”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“And they also have no choice but to let me visit him twice a month, ‘cause he was sick – like real sick. He had lung cancer.”

Tumango ako na para bang hindi ko pa alam. He told me how his family in Hawaii wants him to just go back home, but he always refuses. Gusto niyang dito lang, kasi may sakit ang ama niya, kahit hindi niya palaging nakikita.

Sinabi niya kung gaano kahirap magpanggap na masaya, na ayos lang sa kabila ng lahat. Para bang hindi niya pwedeng ipakitang nahihirapan siya o nalulungkot siya. At ‘nung tuluyang pumanaw ang ama niya, he just lost his newfound pillar.

He lost a part of himself he just found years ago. He broke down. His heart broke.

I was disappointed to myself. Wala akong masabing matino. Sakto na ba ‘yung pagtango at pagngiti ko? Hindi ko alam. Ewan. Ang alam ko lang ay gusto ko siyang samahan at pakinggan. Gusto kong maramdaman niyang andito ako.

Hapon na ng napagpasiyahan naming tumayo na at umuwi. Nag text na rin kasi si Mark na babyahe na ulit kami, hindi raw ako pwedeng mag stay sa kanila kasi ayaw ng pamilya. I respect that, two days talaga ang plano pero sinabi ni Theo na parang gusto niya munang mapag-isa. Naiintindihan ko siya.

“Kate, I think... I’m lost… again.”

I nodded and held his hand. Wala akong masabi kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat sabihin kapag nawala ng kausap mo ang sarili niya. It’s like your words won’t bring them back, it won’t make them regain themselves.

“Sorry for seeing me weak.”

Niyakap ko siya. “Dude, we are all weak sometimes and that’s normal. Don’t feel sorry about it.”

He hugged me back. “Thank you for listening, it means so much.”

“No probs, dito lang ako kapag kailangan mo ng kaibigan.”

I released from the hug ‘nung nagbusina na si Mark.

I chuckled. “So, on the contrary, alis na kami. Ingat ka dito.”

Malungkot na mga ngiti ang pinakita niya sa’kin at tumango.

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata. “Wag ka masyadong magpanggap, wag ka laging nakangiti. ‘Di ka naman siguro mag-aartista, diba?”

Bahagya siyang tumawa. “I’ll be back fine.”

I became hopeful. “Kelan?” Agad rin akong umiling. “Hindi – mali pala. I mean, be back fine but take your time. No pressure.”

Tumawa siya at paulit-ulit na tumango. “Aloha,” ani niya sabay hang-loose ng kamay sa ere.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko at nag-isip. Gaano katagal ang susunod na aloha? I faked a laugh. “Aloha.”

Isang buwan na ang lumipas, wala pa ring sumunod na aloha.