This Ends Here (✓)

39.

“Is it wrong to accept comfort from the wrong person if you’re too desperate for it and the right person is nowhere?”
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“Drink,” Cris said as he gave me a glass of water.

I smiled a little and muttered thanks. Tahimik kong ininom ang tubig at bumuntung hininga. “I’m sorry for making a scene a while ago, hindi ko napigilan. I was trying not to cry, sobrang stressed lang ako.”

He patted my back. “Kate, no need to defend yourself. We all have our stress moments.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

He smiled back, with his bright smile. “Okay, I gotta go to my own room. I’ll do the ppt.”

“I’m sorry, I want to help but-”

He cut me off. “Kate, just rest. Mamaya na ‘to, you need rest. I can handle.”

Iniwan niya na ako sa kama at umalis na.

Napasapo ako sa noo at binalot na lang ang sarili sa kumot. I was comforted by the wrong person. But then, let’s face it. Wala ang dapat magko comfort sa’kin. He was in Canada.

I badly needed comfort. I am badly in pain and stressed.

Mali ba ‘yung ginawa mo, Kate?

I felt guilty. I know I shouldn’t. Nagi-guilty lang naman ako dahil nangako na ako kay Theo na hindi na kami magkakaroon ng unnecessary talks ni Cris. But was comforting me unnecessary?

“Argh,” I almost screamed. Hindi ko na naiintindihan pa ang sarili ko.

Kinuha ko ang Ipad ko at nagsimulang magbasa ng mga emails sa’kin nang makatanggap ako ng message galing kay Fe.

She was asking me kung nasaan ako. I replied my location and asked why. Sinabi niyang wala lang and mag ingat ako.

I suddenly gave it a thought. Hindi ko pala nasabihan ang mga kaibigan ko kung nasaan ako at kung bakit ako nandito. Hindi ko nasabing nasa Baguio ako, desperately distracting myself because I think may kasalanang ginawa sa’kin si Theo.

I know if I talked to Theo, even if he committed a mistake or a sin, he would still be honest. Hindi siya kailanman nagsinungaling sa’kin. He has always been honest to me.

I know that there is a big possibility that I am just overthinking but maybe it is really the feeling of loneliness. He wasn’t here. Ilang beses ko mang isaksak sa utak ko na LDR lang yan, pagsubok lang yan, kaya namin yan… it was still damn difficult.

Mahirap i-secure ang sarili na after a long day, mahal pa rin namin ang isa’t isa. That is the problem. Bakit ako nagdududa? Why is it damn hard to secure myself that I love Theo and he also loves me? Why is it damn hard to secure myself that our love for each other is enough to keep our relationship strong amidst the long distance shit?

Why am I suddenly doubting my feelings for him?

Bakit biglang hindi na ako secured?

I tried to distract myself again. Ayoko ‘yung iniisip ko. Nakakatakot na maraming tanong ang nabubuo sa isipan ko at alam kung mas nakakatakot kapag nagkaroon ng mga sagot ito.

I am fucking scared of the probabilities and where the future would bring me and Theo. Where would my questions bring us? Nakakatakot magkaroon ng sagot na hindi pinlano o inakalang darating.

Now is a whole lot different. Kasi dati, kahit problematic din, ay simple pa rin naman. Even if we were facing a lot of dilemmas in life, we were secured. Dati, mahal lang namin ang isa't isa ay sapat na. Pero ngayon, parang mas lumaki na ang mundo. Palayo na kami ng palayo sa isa’t isa. Nasa magkaibang mundo na nga pala kami.

I sigh. Normal pa ba ‘to? Challenge lang ba talaga ‘to? O baka naman sign na? Baka natatanaw ko na ‘yung dulo?

If my past self would look at me now, baka mas maiyak ‘yun. Naiisip ko na ngayon ang mga bagay na hindi ko kayang isipin dati. Lumalawak na ang possibilities na tinatanggap ng utak ko, nakakatakot.

Mahigpit kong niyakap si Cris at halos tumili. We made it. Tagumpay ang presentation.

This calls for a celebration, I know. Titig pa lang ni Cris ay alam ko na, yayayain niya akong mag dinner ngayong gabi.

I think this should make me sad and I should say no. But this wrong guy in front of me, he comforted me. For a brief moment, tinanggal niya ‘yung sobrang bigat na lungkot.

At this moment, I want to say yes. I was too desperate to kill the horrendous loneliness inside me that even he is the wrong guy I am acknowledging him. Who needs the right guy if he is not here?