This Ends Here (✓)

35.

“Hindi lang dapat sa inyo umiikot ang mundo ng isa’t isa.”

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“Hi, love,” magiliw kong bati kay Theo through facetime. “I’m really sleepy and kakatapos ko lang gumawa ng presentation, I’m sorry for my face.” I laughed.

I watch him smile. Tanghali sa Canada, madaling araw naman sa Pilipinas. 12 hours’ interval. “Love, you’re still beautiful. Sleep na, I’m sorry ganitong oras lang tayo pwedeng mag-usap. I have two hours break, actually.”

I smiled, almost closing my eyes. “That’s fine, love.” It took me a moment to response again. “Sorry, inaantok na talaga ako. 8 am pa call time sa seminar bukas.”

“Love, sige na, matulog ka na. Know that I love you always, okay?”

I smiled. “Me too, Theo, mahal na mahal kita.”

Mabagal ang paglipas ng mga araw, linggo at buwan. Mabagal pala talaga ang takbo ng oras kapag nangungulila ka sa taong mahal mo, parang masyadong pinapamukha ng mundo na oo, hindi kayo magkasama. Mag-isa ka lang.

Yung mga siguro ko dati… siguro mas masakit… siguro mas mahirap… siguro mas nakakasira ng bait… lahat ng dating siguro lang ay kompirmado na ngayon.

Halos gabi-gabi ako umiiyak kasi miss ko na si Theo, ‘yung dating araw-araw ng chat at facetime ay naging every other day hanggang naging two to three times a week hanggang sa naging weekly na lang.

The set-up was damn hard. ‘Yung umaga ko, gabi niya. ‘Yung tanghali ko, madaling araw niya. ‘Yung gabi ko, umaga niya. ‘Yung madaling araw ko, tanghali niya. Tapos ang dami naming iba’t ibang deadlines. ‘Yung mga free time, itutulog na lang namin.

Nakakasira ng bait. It was eating my happiness and energy. Pero paulit ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na nag sign up ako para dito. Diba gusto ko good future? Diba gusto ko growth?

Ito ‘yun. Process ‘to. Matatapos rin. Two months pa nga lang, e.  Tapos one year ‘yung kontrata niya dun. Dapat kaya namin kasi hindi lang naman kami ang unang couple na LDR, marami pang iba. Pero nakaya nila. Kaya bakit hindi naming kaya? Bakit hindi naming kakayanin?

I read Theo’s message. Ttyl, love. Sobrang naghahabol lang talaga ng deadline ang team ngayon. I love you, aloha.

I replied an ok, love, i understand. i love u, too kahit ang totoo ay hindi ko na halos maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Palalim na ng palalim ang butas sa puso ko, I am feeling empty more and more each passing day.

I fucking want to understand pero ang hirap. I try hard and hard and I’m still trying to understand.

Mahirap magpanggap na okey pero nagpapanggap pa rin ako.

“Can I occupy the seat? Wala talagang ibang maupuan.”

Napatingin ako kay Cris na apologetic na nakangiti. May hawak siyang pie at grande coffee. I smiled. “Oo, sige lang.”

Umupo siya sa harap ko. “Your presentation a while ago was good.”

I fake a laugh. “Just good kasi nasigawan ako.”

“Kate, you’re just distracted.”

“Ahuh,” I nodded as I sipped my own coffee. “I’m really distracted and sleep deprived.”

“If you need help in anything, I’m here.”

Ngumiti ako. “Thanks... I appreciate.”

Agad akong tuminging nang tumunog ang ringtone ng phone ko. Theo is calling. Tumayo ako at mabilis na nag excuse kay Cris.

“Love, hi! Tapos na meeting?”

“Yes, love. Kakatapos lang. What are you doing?”

“Nasa Starbs ako, nagkakape. May half hour left pa sa break ko.”

“Last coffee mo na yan for today, ah.”

I smiled, kahit alam kong hindi niya makikita. “Roger that. Kamusta meeting?”

“Guess what?” I heard excitement in his voice. Walang pagod, masaya lang.

“What?” Magiliw kong tanong.

“Our designed model was approved!”

“Oh my god, I told you maganda ‘yung sketch niyo. I’m so proud, love. Ano na next na plano?”

“Thanks, love. The next step is exploring on different themes and colors tapos ipe-present next week so we’ll be busy again. Ire-release na kasi in two months.”

My heart pricked abruptly but I still chose to smile. “Oh, okay. Uhm, wala kayong vacation after?”

Saglit siyang tumahimik. “Malabo, love, e. I miss you, too.”

I bit my lower lip. “Okay, ano, miss na miss na kita,” bahagya kong tawa.

I heard another voice. “Theo, come on, you gotta see this.” It’s a girl’s voice – Lorraine’s, katrabaho niya. I saw the girl through skype maybe three times. And, yes, I’m jealous but, no, I haven’t told Theo. I won’t tell Theo.

Because I know, it’s immaturity. Hindi pwedeng pagseselosan ko lahat ng babaeng lalapit sa kanya gaya ng hindi pwedeng pagselosan niya lahat ng lalaking lalapit sa’kin.

This is not just our world. We have to be matured. I have to be.

Ganun dapat.

“Love, I gotta go,” wika ni Theo.

“Okay, love, bye. I love you.”

That ten-minute talk was the best minutes of my week. Muli na naman kasi akong nagbilang ng tupa kakahintay ng susunod niyang tawag.