This Ends Here (✓)

38.

“Are you brave when you always cry?”
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I was rejecting all calls. Ayoko munang kausapin si Theo. Ayokong marinig ang boses niya o pakinggan ang explanation niya. Ayoko muna.

Ayoko munang mag mukhang tanga dahil paniguradong papaniwalaan ko anuman ang sabihan niya. Ganun ako, e, tanga.

I cried all night. I was a fool and an overthinker. Both are making me problematic pero wala akong solusyong ginagawa.

Pero bahala na, ayoko munang makinig.

I read his messages.

Love, let me explain. It’s not what you think. I mean, love, if you think something happened to me and Lorraine, you’re wrong. Please talk to me.

Love, yes uminom kami along with the team but that’s just it. In case you’re assuming things, are you mad? Please talk to me I am losing my mind.

Love, answer my calls please. Don’t make me lose my mind please.

Kate, please answer.

Please talk to me please.

Love, don’t be like this. I love you, you know that.

Nag focus ako sa trabaho. I act fine. I distracted myself with the content I am reviewing. I proof read my team’s works countlessly. Gusto kong maging sobrang busy. Ayokong mag isip ng ibang bagay.
Ayoko makinig. Ayoko munang makarinig.

My phone ran out of battery but I chose not to charge it. I was using my Ipad for contacting people and emailing reports. Ayokong hawakan ang phone ko. I even left it at home.

Kate, you signed up for this. Matatag ka, diba?

I let Cris buy me coffee and snacks. Ayokong tumigil sa pagtatrabaho. I don’t want to be idle.

At morning, I work. At night, I cry. For days, it was my routine. Hindi ko pa rin binubuksan ang phone ko, I still can’t.

Hindi ko na alam kung matatag pa ba ako o duwag na.

I was so desperate to not mind Theo that when Cris offered me to go with him sa Baguio for seminar, I immediately said yes.

“Ako na,” I volunteered when Cris freaked out for a ppt last minute. We were on a coffee shop near the hotel.

“Are you sure?” He was shocked. Marami na kasi akong ginawa kahapon pa at wala akong tulog. But I can’t sleep, I know iiyak lang ako. Pagod na akong umiyak, tama na muna.

I nodded. “Send me the contents sa email.” Tinalikuran ko na siya at nagsimula nang maglakad palayo.

“Kate, stop.” Pumunta siya sa harap ko. “What is happening to you?”

“What?” Irita kong tanong. “Kailangan na ba ng ppt o magti-tsismisan muna tayo?”

He stares at me. “Again, what is happening to you? Kate, this is not you. Para ka ng robot.”

I rolled my eyes and stared at him for a long moment. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya, figuring out his words.  Hindi na ako ‘to? Para na akong robot? I do not understand.

Well, this is what love did to me. Or specifically, this is what the person I love did to me. It could also be this is what my assumptions because of love did to me.

I was just staring at Cris for like seconds, contemplating and trying to defend myself… trying to make words to object on him.

But, I failed.

Because, yes, this is not me. And yes, I have turned into a robot.

I lost it. I lost myself.

I ran towards his chest and cried. Wala akong magawa. Hindi ko napigilan. Umiyak ako ng umiyak.

Maybe because I was jealous that Lorraine could spend time with Theo and I could not.

Maybe because I missed my boyfriend so much it was tearing me apart.

Maybe because I was stressed from work and I know I still have no choice but to continue it.

Maybe because I missed my family and relatives so much but I have to financially support them so I have to stay here in Manila and work.

Maybe it was because Cris is always annoying but he is just always there.

Maybe because I feel so drained and empty that I could not put it enough in words.

Or maybe it is a combination of all these things.

I continued crying on Cris’ chest. I have no one now but him. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko, para akong nalulunod sa sobrang lungkot.

I cannot save myself.

There is no Theo, too. Even my family, they are not here.

But there’s Cris. He hugged me tight. “Kate, I’m here. You’re strong, you’re doing good.”

He was making me calm down. He was doing the right thing. I am feeling at ease.

The wrong guy is comforting me and I hate that I am too lonely now, I desperately need comfort.