2nd Chances // Park Jihoon FF

048

'I wanted to live happily with you without worrying about other people getting hurt.'

Lies Seoyoon, they're just lies.
Please remind yourself that you wont be fooled anymore.
You've heared enough lies and it has done enough damage.
Please dont believe anything he say anymore.
Dont fall for anything he said.

I kept convincing myself that everything Jihoon said was a lie.
He's done enough damage to me and I dont want to hurt myself anymore.
I wish I never asked.
I never knew finding out the reason was somewhat another way to hurt me.
I wasnt hurt because he was lying. That's just something I kept telling myself so I wont have a reason to run back to his arms.
I was hurt because he was telling the truth.
But I couldnt get myself to understand that and put all the blame on him.
I hate this.

"Seoyoon?" I quickly wiped my tears away as my mom entered my room.

"Honey, are you okay?" She sadly asked as she sat on my bed.
I sat up and weakly nodded my head.

"You can always cry to mommy." She comforted with a smile while having her arms wide open.
I couldnt help myself but to fall into her arms.
I was weak, broken, sad and hurting.
I needed to let it out.
I needed someone, I know I couldnt do this alone.

"Shh, its okay Seoyoon." She said, brushing through my hair.
I finally let go of her after crying for a long minute.

"What happened?" She asked with a smile.
I wasn't always the type to tell my mother anything.
But right now she was the only person I could trust.

"I almost made a mistake." I answered her honestly.

"Is this about Jinyoung?" She asked.
She knew about Jinyoung and I since I told her everything.

"No.."

"So its about him?" She sadly smiled to me.
She knew how much I didnt like to hear Jihoon's name.
I feel like my heart is about to explode whenever I hear it.

"Do you feel like loving him was a mistake?" She asked.
I couldnt answer her back because I didnt even know the answer myself.
I didnt know what felt like a mistake.

"I know it may not be the right time to say this but.." she said making me sit straight and face her.

"Loving him back and giving him a second chance would make it less painful." She straightforwardly said.

"I dont want you to be like me." She sadly smiled.

"I let go of your father because of a misunderstanding. We had a choice to forget and start anew but I stood by my anger and pain." She continued.
Tears were beginning to form in her eyes as she recalls her seperation with my dad.

"Loving your dad wasn't the mistake that I did."

"Not giving us a chance, was." She smiled as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"The regret never went away. I still wish that I could just go back in time and tell him I loved him enough to make him stay." She confessed.

"But it never worked out for me. However, it can still be fixed for you." She divulged.

"Sometimes we need to learn to lower our pride to lessen the pain." She kissed my forehead before wiping her tears away.
I didnt have any words to say after hearing my own mother's words.
I never knew my mom still loved dad, she never showed me her pain on losing him as a husband.
She was always just happy and free.
I never knew there was pain hiding behind those smiles.

Sometimes we need learn to lower our pride to lessen the pain.

Is it?
Is it really just my pride thats causing all these pain?
I was lied to.
By every single people I loved, trusted and called my family.
I dont wanna be like this, if only it was simple enough to understand why they had to make me live in a lie for three years, I would've did.
I wanted to understand.
I wanted to forgive.
But its not my pride thats keeping me from it.
Its because im scared.
Im scared because I saw how much people can do to you even when they truly loved you.
They lie to keep you.
They hurt many others just to have you.
Its so scary to think that behind all the happy moments you shared lies so much untold stories.
I really, really wanna let go.
I just..I cant.
Not right now.

I dont even know if I can ever learn to let go.
This wasn't something I can just move on from with time and space.
This was meant to teach me a lesson and make me grow from it.
Its always gonna be with me no matter how much I want to get rid of it.
Its a pain no one can ever forget and permanently remove.
Its too hard.
So much people were involved and the worse part is that, those people were the ones I thought could never hurt me ever.

Please heart, stop hurting.
I dont want it anymore.
I dont wanna cry over the same reasons and people.
I just want to be free and happy.
Im so lost and broken and I dont even know if I could ever be found or fixed again.

What did I do to deserve this?
Was I too much?
Did I do something wrong?
Is there something I didnt do yet?
Or was something not enough?
What is it?
I dont want to be weak.
Big girls shouldn't cry anymore.

I just want to be okay.
Is that so much to ask for?
I want to live an honest life.
No lies.
How hard can it be to achieve that?
I cant live a perfect life and thats something I can live for.
But I want to be with people who can love me, care for me, make me happy, without having to lie.
Thats all I ever wanted..